A Rich Family Culture

 Hello my friends!

Continuing with Rich Christensen’s framework, let's talk about creating a rich family culture! What are the symbols, doctrine, and rituals or traditions that can help a family build a culture so that each member feels like they are a part of something special? 

When my girls were little, I discovered the Penderwicks books by Jeanne Birdsall. I was struck by the rich family culture that could be clearly seen outright and also between the words on the page. And you want to know the beauty of building a family culture? You can steal or adopt ideas from everywhere!! Last week I talked about our family councils and how we call them a MAJ for Meeting of All Jaggis. That comes directly from the Penderwicks. They call them MOPS - Meeting of Penderwick Sisters or MOOPS- Meeting of Older Penderwick Sisters.

In this family, they have rituals and slogans. They have clearly defined rules. They value family honor. I will share a few of their traditions: each child chooses an official birthday cake once they are old enough and that cake will be made each year for their birthday. They go on an extended summer vacation each Summer as a family. The mother in the story has passed away so the oldest sister always puts the youngest sister to bed each night. They honor individuality but are all really close. One of their family rules is referred to as the OAP- the oldest available Penderwick. This refers to who is in charge or responsible- especially in regards to the youngest sister. If the dad is around, he’s the OAP. If not, it falls to the oldest and on down. We use this in my family as well- instead it’s the OAJ! Talking about the book makes me want to read it again so I don’t miss passing anything else on! I love their family culture!! 

So while our Family Culture is still being developed and is an ever-evolving thing, I’ll share some of the things from my family growing up as well as the family I am currently blessed to be a part of.

I always wanted to have a strong family culture so my kids would feel okay about being different from their friends and would always feel like they belonged somewhere. I had this growing up! My family and the Page Family down the street were close friends and that created a haven for us to stand apart. We engaged in a lot of shared traditions like going camping at the beach every Spring Break and camping in the summer. We celebrated holidays together. We went to Six Flags Magic Mountain and the beach together often. When we went to places like Six Flags, all 8 or 10 of us kids would wear matching bright pink shirts- that would be a symbol- something that set us apart and a useful tool for our moms.  

My family had some of our own traditions as well. We had a yearly family reunion with my Dad’s family. These are great memories of mine! We did the Redwoods for a few years, one in Southern California that involved the beach, a few at a place called Sherwood Hills and then it was a yearly Lake Powell houseboat trip. We did regular family trips as well with shared time and activities. One time we went to a play at the Hale Center Theatre and in the play, one of the themes was how there are many ways to say I love you like “put a coat on” or other well wishes! We started using that in our family as well, calling out Put a coat on or some other sentiment that could be interpreted, “I love you.” For Christmas, we always opened one gift on Christmas Eve and read the Christmas story in Luke 2. We always did a lot of Christmas baking that was shared with neighbors and those who’d served us in church over the past year.

In my family now, we have symbols, doctrine and traditions, especially after I attended the training by Rich Christensen. We have a family flag with our family symbol on it- that symbol has been a pentacle- a star inside a circle- representing 5 individuals connected in a family unit. We have a family handshake. We have family pictures displayed on the walls as well as photo albums and photo books. We have favorite home videos kept on computers or phones that we watch again and again. These are some of our symbols. For doctrine, we have 3 family rules- Be Kind, Contribute, Be responsible. We have our family stories that are repeated. We have stories from our family history that are shared. We have emergency procedures. We have a family password. We have some records of God’s tender mercies or dealings with our family that are part of our doctrine. We have the technology proclamation I mentioned in the last episode which I forgot to include last week in the notes and blog so I’ll post that this week and apologize for omitting that!

For traditions, I’ll go through the calendar year. The first one that comes to mind is the kids get heart-attacked for Valentine's Day. I decorate their bed or door with hearts with things I appreciate or have noticed about them written on the hearts. For Birthdays, we always decorate and each child gets to choose their cake, how they will celebrate, and what they want for meals for the whole day. We open one gift in the morning and the rest in the evening. 

I already shared our General Conference traditions- for Easter, we have a tree which is usually a budding branch pulled from a tree outside decorated with Easter eggs and some special ornaments that we hang as we talk about the people or circumstances of the Easter story over the 10-14 days leading up to Easter. We have a resurrection scene which is similar to a nativity scene people have for Christmas. We have Easter lights hung outside that are lit for the few weeks before and a few weeks after Easter. We dye Easter Eggs and talk about what we know of Christ, sometimes writing those down on the eggs with crayon before dyeing. Our favorite Easter Tradition is making Resurrection Rolls where we take Jesus Body represented by a pure, clean, white marshmallow, dip it in butter which represents the oils used to prepare his body for burial and then it is rolled in cinnamon sugar which represents the spices used to prepare his body. Then that marshmallow representing his body is enclosed in a “tomb” of roll dough and sealed up tight. We make a pan of these and they go in the oven and when they come out, Jesus' body has disappeared as though he had been resurrected. Just as He was on the 3rd day. 

A new tradition we have for Mother’s Day is I take a picture with each child and a picture with all of my kids together- one day a year where they are likely to grumble less about a picture! I got that idea from Brooke Romney this year, I believe. 

One holiday that sets the Jaggi's apart and really enriches our family culture because it is unique to us, is we have Kids Day. This holiday falls on the first Saturday after school gets out. The kids start planning it in advance, and I love seeing them working together to make the plan! They get to decide what we will do on that day and it is often going camping. They get to decide what we will eat and how we will spend our time. They create a plan for the whole day. They also get a few gifts which are usually craft sets, activity sets, or games they can use together over the summer to continue fostering their sibling friendships. 

We always do a summer trip to visit family, all our family is in Utah right now so we spend a few weeks and catch up with everyone and try to fit in all the family traditions of the extended family- camping and boating with my family, the Hollands, Cherry Hill and a cookout with the Jaggi family among other things with both sides.

Let’s see! What else? Family day outings to play in the sand and water wherever we can find it! Trips with family who want to join us for outings. 

We celebrate 4th of July and Halloween in pretty standard ways. In November, we always have a place we write down the things we are thankful for- sometimes a tree, sometimes a poster, sometimes a pumpkin and we try to fill the whole thing over the course of the month with everyone adding to it whenever they think of something!

We celebrate Thanksgiving in fairly traditional ways also with who we are with always changing.

Christmas is a big deal for us! We try to get involved with Light the World with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and try to share the light of the Savior through serving, giving and strengthening connections with loved ones as much as possible throughout the whole month of December. We get out the Christmas decorations box and decorate a Christmas tree and decorate the whole house inside and out. We always do a Gingerbread Nativity Scene! We watch lots of Christmas movies! We listen to lots of Christmas music and play Christmas songs on the piano. We do neighbor and teacher gifts. We do Christmas baking! We do Christmas gifting! Christmas Eve we also open a gift, watch the nativity, sing Samuel Tells of Baby Jesus and other Christmas songs, have Hot Chocolate with grasshopper cookies which is like the Tim Tam Slam if you’re familiar with that Australian tradition- you take a small bite out of opposite sides of the cookie and sip the hot chocolate through the cookie and then pop it into your mouth before it falls to pieces and it is absolutely delicious. The kids have a sleepover that night and Christmas morning we all go down together and stretch out gift opening so it can last all morning long. Someone finds the first gift of Christmas in their stocking which is baby Jesus taken from our Nativity set and put in a special box.  We have a yummy breakfast somewhere in the middle of the gifting. Sometime in the evening we do a testimony meeting declaring our belief as a gift to the Savior. 

For the end of the year, we try to come up with our top ten for the past year- our top ten memories or things we want to remember for the year and make a list to save in our family file.

I’ll add a note about family contributions- to be a part of a family, there are 3 crucial needs as identified by Alfred Adler- We need to feel we have meaningful connection- we can share our inward thoughts and feelings and they are valued and listened to, we talk to each other, we spend time together- we want to spend time together. Number 2, we count! Our opinions are valued. Our ideas are incorporated. It is noticed when we aren’t around. We get invited to join in. And 3- we contribute. We all make meaningful contributions to our family. We help out. We are needed. We all join in in the running and upkeep of the home. Some methods we use for contributions are what’s called Jaggi Five- where I call out we need a Jaggi Five and everyone begrudgingly stops and picks up 5 things. We have job jar which is an idea from a treasured neighbor of the past, Crystal Staley, where we have a jar of rooms needing done and a jar of activities or rewards for breaks and we draw a room and all work together to clean it and then draw a reward and alternate until we’ve emptied the jars. We have a daily cleaning job that is different and assigned day-of according to needs by a parent. We eat dinner together every day we can and all contribute to setting the table, clearing the table, and cleaning up. Everyone is needed. We all have something to contribute. 

Similarly, creating a rich family culture is a family-involved process! We create rules, mottos, symbols, flags and traditions as a family- everyone’s ideas and opinions count- and we talk about it- we talk about what we want to keep and what we want to let go of. We talk about ideas we hear from others and if we want to do that in OUR family. We talk about family dreams and how we can make them happen. Every effort we make to be intentional in creating a rich family culture will bless our families, possibly for generations to come! 

Each family is naturally developing a family culture, but we can be intentional about what that culture entails. We can make it something rich and long-lasting, passing on traditions that strengthen and bless each member of the family as they are involved and proud to be a part of something special. We can include elements of symbols, doctrine, and traditions. We can include everyone in planning, developing and executing this culture. We can always be on the lookout for ideas that we may want to adopt. A culture is an evolving thing and can always be getting richer in depth and in breadth. 

Each member of the family needs to feel meaningful connection, like they count and like they contribute and as those things are present, they can then have courage to be imperfect and go out in the world, trying new things and expanding their lives.

I wish you well in continuing the traditions in your family and working to develop an even richer family culture as you think about what would bless the lives of the individuals in your family. 

May you always feel like you’re part of something really special is my hope for you today.  

Healing Rhythms of the Gospel of Jesus Christ

Hello everyone! Hello Friends!

Today I am talking about building a Spiritual Foundation in our homes! I’m overjoyed to get to remind you of the GLORIOUS promises we have received for our efforts in this and some practical applications we have found that make a living faith doable for our family. We will begin with the promise and counsel from our Prophet, President Russell M. Nelson from his final address in the October 2018 General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He said, “The new home-centered, Church-supported integrated curriculum has the potential to unleash the power of families, as each family follows through conscientiously and carefully to transform their home into a sanctuary of faith. I promise that as you diligently work to remodel your home into a center of gospel learning, over time your Sabbath days will truly be a delight. Your children will be excited to learn and to live the Savior’s teachings, and the influence of the adversary in your life and in your home will decrease. Changes in your family will be dramatic and sustaining.”

That was 4 years ago this month! How are we doing? Are you experiencing those blessings? Does your home feel like a Sanctuary of Faith and a Center of Gospel Learning? Are your children excited to learn and live the Savior’s teachings? Has the influence of the adversary decreased in your life and in your home?

As we prepared for General Conference, Emily Belle Freeman shared the following,

“I was having this conversation with this woman who said to me, Sometimes I feel like in the church, we get wrapped up in the rule system of the church, that everything becomes this strict set of rules that we live our life by. And we need to change that in the culture of the church because you can become so pharisaical when your life is run by a rule system.. and Emily says, “in my life I want to ask this question. Are they rules or rhythms? And if they are rhythms, the Earth is governed by rhythms. The sun and the moon run by rhythm. The tides of the sea run by- those are rhythms… There's something about the rhythms of the tide that is healing to us. I don't think that's coincidental. I think God is teaching a lesson there about these rhythms. Rhythms heal people. I think you've probably experienced that, and that is true for me about what some people might call rules, right? Going to church every Sunday, reading the scriptures, praying, fasting, wearing garments, all of these things you might be like, this is a rule system I don't want to live in. It causes people to be judgmental, and you could view it like that. I view those as rhythms in my life. Reading Scripture, going to church, praying, putting on my garments every single morning. Those are rhythms in my life…Those are constants in my life. And those are rhythms that actually heal me. They bring me joy. That is just true in my life. And sometimes maybe the fault is ours. Maybe the fault is not the culture of the church. Maybe the fault is how we're viewing those things. And for some people they might be rigid rules but for other people they are rhythms of holiness and depending on the way you enter into those is the response you will experience. For me, those rhythms have brought healing and joy and gladness- that is true about my life. And so I think that's important as we think about that, that the joy of the Lord is our strength, those rhythms are my strength. They have strengthened me in my life…These rhythms are actually bringing me joy. They're actually bringing me strength. These are the rhythms that have raised up my family and that have kept us safe and protected us.”

This idea came up so frequently in General Conference a few weeks ago- Rafael Pino talked about customs and traditions that will help us to stay on the covenant path. Joseph Sitati called these “Holy habits.” Steven Lund called them “Holy habits and righteous routines that can sustain and fuel the fires of our faith.” Jonathan S. Schmitt said, “Great spiritual strength comes from small and simple things32 like developing “holy habits and righteous routines”33 of daily prayer, repentance, scripture study, and service to others.” He noted that the phrase, “holy habits and righteous routines” is an oft-repeated phrase from President Dallin H. Oaks’ ministry.

I remember distinctly in 2014 when Linda S. Reeves of the Relief Society Presidency spoke in the April General Conference. We were living in Kentucky far from family and I had two small children and I was entertaining them during conference with our little Conference board and I had so many righteous desires for my little family. She said “How do we lead our children to deep conversion and to access our Savior’s Atonement? I love the prophet Nephi’s declaration of what his people did to fortify the youth of his day: “We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, [and] we prophesy of Christ … that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.”4

How can we do this in our homes? Some of you have heard me tell how overwhelmed my husband, Mel, and I felt as the parents of four young children. As we faced the challenges of parenting and keeping up with the demands of life, we were desperate for help. We prayed and pleaded to know what to do. The answer that came was clear: “It is OK if the house is a mess and the children are still in their pajamas and some responsibilities are left undone. The only things that really need to be accomplished in the home are daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening.”

A friend recently cautioned, “When you ask the sisters to read the scriptures and pray more, it stresses them out. They already feel like they have too much to do.”

Brothers and sisters, because I know from my own experiences, and those of my husband, I must testify of the blessings of daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening. These are the very practices that help take away stress, give direction to our lives, and add protection to our homes. Then, if pornography or other challenges do strike our families, we can petition the Lord for help and expect great guidance from the Spirit, knowing that we have done what our Father has asked us to do.”

I took that to heart. A successful day as a stay-at-home-mom with those two small children was a day that we read scriptures and prayed together. That was all I HAD to do. We accomplished that and I could feel peace that I was being the mother they needed.

So how did we do it then and how do we do it now? Bless the internet that allows talented Christians to share ideas and resources across the globe! As I mentioned, I made a Conference board and my kids matched speakers to the screen and topics to speakers. We got simplified versions of the Scriptures that my kids could understand and enjoy so they could learn the people and the stories. We bought a few scripture readers off Etsy that were fun and engaging for them. We kept it short and sweet.

For Family Home Evening, I had learned some valuable tips from members of our prior ward in Peoria, Arizona. We kept it short, sweet, and FUN and made sure to include Family Night treats! Another family in the ward, I can’t remember who or I’d give them credit here, but they gave everyone a turn to share a lesson. Young kids LOVE to be heard! They love to have everyone’s attention. If you want them to listen to you, you have to listen to them. This made a huge difference in our success! Everyone got a turn to teach- they’d teach the most random things but it didn’t matter! We all got our turn if we wanted it! The appeal of that has faded as they’ve gotten older so now we have one person assigned to do a lesson and we still open it up for anyone but it’s rare that there are more volunteers. Now for Family Home Evening- we call it Family Night and we do it on Sundays- we start with a song, then do Act it out, talk it out which came from Joy D. Jones Conference address in 2021- she said we need to be role playing the challenges they’ll face and give our children experience successfully navigating those. I’ll include the resources I have for this on my blog at ashleyjaggi.com/blog if you’d like them. In the past we’ve done Manners and Standards here where we chat about exactly that. After that we have a lesson followed by an activity.

After Family Night, we have our Family Council as we were instructed to do by President Ballard in 2016. We call it a MAJ, which stands for Meeting of All Jaggis. This happens at the table during family night treat! We do a call to order and start with Positive Feedback. we recognize each others' efforts and positive activities by each other throughout the week. I LOVE seeing my kids recognizing each other, having them routinely giving us an extra thank you for the things we do for them, and having that space where they are used to us highlighting their triumphs. We then move on to family business and talk about the upcoming week, household logistics, Children and Youth goals, or any other business. We then try to end with affirmations.

Scriptures nowadays for our family happen just before bed and is meant to be a supplement to individual scripture reading. I still read scriptures with my 6-year-old outside of this scripture time and we try to do the simplified scripture readers in the morning with family prayer but the evening scripture time is where we try to highlight something special from Come, Follow Me. We use the Line Upon Line Come Follow Me video toward the beginning of the week and talk about what to expect to see when reading that week so they can hopefully understand it better. This family scripture study looks different almost every day. We listen to podcasts, use videos or talk about certain scriptures. One of our favorite podcasts for this is One Minute Scripture Study with Kristen Walker Smith and Calli Black.

After scripture time is Family Prayer but before we pray we do a prayer council where we talk about what we want included in the prayer. I love this time! I hear what concerns my kids are having and we share what we know about who could use prayers and then we unite our faith through the prayer that is offered and we’re all invested in that prayer because our ideas are in there! We know WHY we are praying.

Rhythms of righteousness. Patterns of holiness and healing.

What about church on Sunday--if you have kids and your kids are like mine, sometimes they complain about going to church. I don’t know where I got this but we used to talk about the 3 reasons we go to church every Sunday on our way to church. My kids know these and can rattle them off. So now if they ask why we have to go to church I can turn that around and ask them why we go to church- those reasons are 1. To Feel the Spirit. 2. To take the Sacrament and renew our covenants. And 3. To learn about Jesus.

Before Conference this October, Emily Belle Freeman listed 3 reasons we participate in Conference so we have those in our family now too! Those are 1. To hear the law from God’s chosen mouthpieces. 2. To understand the application of the law for our day as shared through God’s chosen mouthpieces. And 3. That we might rejoice and be glad together. Conference at our house is like another holiday! My kids used to think it was an actual holiday, which I love. As I said before, we used to use a Conference board. We used to do a conference treat whenever someone in the First Presidency came to the pulpit. Now we have Conference Cash and they get $3 to spend at the start of each of the 5 sessions and can earn more in the session if they make it through halfway or are being awesome. The prizes are treats, snacks, journals, busy books, fidget toys, erasers, sticker or sticker by number books or pages. Mostly things they can use during conference. I also have a few free activity pages they can take that I print from the many online packets or resources. We try to eat special foods Conference Weekend and we end with a game night on Sunday night. We also find a time within the next week to share favorites from Conference.

Sundays are a day we are asked to give back to the Lord so it is encouraged in our home to put the Lord first. It is a family day- it looks and feels different from other days of the week. We listen to different music. We give time to the Lord. My brother’s family has a 3 things rule where they are expected to do 3 things that demonstrate participation in God’s work or putting the Lord first and then they are allowed to do other things with their day. We’ve adopted this in our family. This can be writing a letter, calling an extended family member, reading scriptures, playing church music on the piano, serving others, building a family relationship through spending time together you wouldn’t normally, or many other things. We have also started watching a Chosen episode or a nature video (that idea comes from David Butler- I believe) as a family on Sundays. We try to go for a family walk.

So I just shared my collective knowledge of gospel living in the home from a decade of getting ideas so remember to just take what is useful and leave all the rest!

Briefly, I want to finish with revisiting the three things for a successful family culture and how that applies to a culture of gospel living in the family-

What are the symbols of the Gospel in your home? Do you have pictures of the Savior or temples on the walls? Do you have scriptures out or church magazines? Or a picture of the Prophet? One thing I love in my home is we have a shelf with stone monuments from reading Joshua this year and the encouragement in the Come, Follow Me for Individuals and Families manual that represent answered prayers or miracles we have witnessed in our family.

What about the doctrine- do you have the Proclamation on the Family, Articles of Faith, the Living Christ or the Restoration Proclamation in your home? Do you have quotes from prophets around? Our ward did a Technology Proclamation that we decided to adopt in our home- I’ll include that on my blog as well. What about the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet?

And the rituals or traditions are all the things I’ve shared.

In Summary today, our church is a living faith. It requires action and consistent effort. The path of least resistance does not include the things that will strengthen our faith and testimony or our ability to Hear the voice of the Lord. We must deliberately invite and bring those into our lives. In Tucson we had a visiting authority teach that everything we do or say in our homes is either teaching eternal truth or false doctrine. Engaging in “holy habits and righteous routines” will provide healing, strength, and power to us and our families. We want to make sure we don’t get too busy that we lose sight of the things that matter in the end. In the words of Sister Reeves, “ The only things that really need to be accomplished in the home are daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening.” If you feel lost or overwhelmed, start small. Remember that any time you do these things you receive the strength and blessings from them. Our loving God loves effort and has provided a Savior for us to make up the difference where our efforts fall short.

May your efforts in this worthy endeavor be magnified by the Lord is my prayer for you!

 

Russell M. Nelson, Becoming Exemplary Latter-day Saints, 2018: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2018/10/becoming-exemplary-latter-day-saints?lang=eng

October, 2022 General Conference Addresses: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2022/10?lang=eng

Emily Belle Freeman: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kbjs5CDhabk

Linda Reeves, Protection From Pornography- A Christ-Centered Home, 2014: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2014/04/protection-from-pornography-a-christ-focused-home?lang=eng

M. Russell Ballard, Family Councils, 2016: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2016/04/family-councils?lang=eng

Joy D. Jones, Essential Conversations, 2021: “As they act it out and then talk it out, rather than being caught unprepared in a hostile peer group setting, children can be armed with “the shield of faith wherewith [they] shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.”14” Joy D. Jones, Essential Conversations 2021https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2021/04/13jones?lang=eng

https://worksheetplace.com/.../Character-Role-Play...

PDF

Act it out, talk it out.pdf

A Solid Marriage Foundation

Hello Everyone,

This past weekend was General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and in my home, that means a lot of traditions. As I oversaw all the preparations and executions for a successful Conference Weekend Celebration and thought about how we are approaching the Holiday Season, I realized the next thing I’d like to share is some things I’ve learned about creating a strong family culture!

So far we’ve been talking about the self-victory, as Stephen Covey would put it. This month we are going to shift gears and build on what we have learned to talk about families! We do the self-work for the purpose of relationships, right? We can’t have a healthy relationship if we are not healthy. It’s difficult to have a happy relationship if we are not happy. Being healthy and happy helps us connect in meaningful ways with others.

I had the privilege of attending a training by Rich Christiansen, author and entrepreneur, on creating a family culture several years ago and this month I want to share that in the context of marriage, family gospel living, and bring it together with the overarching family culture.

So the three things Rich Christiansen taught that make up a successful culture whether that be a sports team, a country, a ward or a family are symbols, doctrine and rituals. So we’ll take the United States of America as he did as our example of each of these things-

What are the symbols of the United States of America? We have the American Flag, we have Uncle Sam, we have the capital building, we have the bald eagle, we have the statue of liberty. I think our songs fit here too such as the Star Spangled Banner. Maybe Rosie the Riveter on the We Can Do It posters. These are symbols that unite the people in the country. They can bring a feeling of belonging, maybe pride, maybe gratitude.

What would the doctrine be? This would be any written word or history. The Pledge of Allegiance, the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Supreme Court rulings, even the poem that was read at Joe Biden’s inauguration by Amanda Gorman. The laws of the land.

What about rituals? What do we do to celebrate the 4th of July? We have Presidential Inaugurations, we have the State of the Union. Parades. New Year’s Eve traditions of watching the ball drop. Holidays- what do we do on Memorial Day? What do we do on Thanksgiving. We have these rituals or traditions and participating in them unites us and can increase our sense of pride in our country or our heritage.

So how do these fit in the context of a marriage? How can you create a strong, positive marriage culture?

First, I want to briefly talk about the why. We want to make sure the foundation of the family is built on the gospel and on the marriage, as opposed to allowing this to flip to having the kids as the foundation or some other thing as the foundation. Marriage comes before the kids. I will forever appreciate a good Bishop who taught me this principle. He shared with me that the marriage has to be strong enough to carry the family. You don’t let your marriage revolve around the kids, your kids have to come second to the marriage. You don’t keep a marriage together because of the kids either. The marriage is separate. It needs to be strengthened and nurtured. It has to come first. A union entered into and maintained with God.

Brent Barlow, in an article entitled, A Rock-Solid Foundation for Marriage, shared the following, “Many occupational pursuits, outside interests, other concerns, and occasionally even Church activities and callings can relegate a spouse or a marriage to secondary status if we are not careful to arrange our priorities according to gospel principles. In 1831 the Lord revealed that we should keep marriage a high priority in our lives. He declared, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22).

Of this particular verse, President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) noted: “The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse. We sometimes find women who absorb and hover over the children at the expense of the husband, sometimes even estranging them from him. This is in direct violation of the command: None else.”5

The good news is that our marriages can not only survive but thrive when we follow principles and teachings of the gospel.”

In our most recent General Conference, Elder Soares said the following, “With true participation, husband and wife merge into the synergistic oneness of an ‘everlasting dominion’ that ‘without compulsory means’ will flow with spiritual life to them and their posterity ‘forever and ever.’”11

How can we build a synergistic oneness that flows with spiritual life? Let’s talk about building our marriage culture!

What are the symbols of a marriage or of YOUR marriage? There’s a ring that symbolizes your union and commitment. Putting it on or wearing it every day is a symbol too- a recommitment to the marriage and a declaration to the world that you are in a committed union. Do you have wedding pictures displayed? Do you have pictures of the temple or place you were married up as a reminder or symbol? Do you have something around from your wedding reception or love notes or a wedding dress? What symbols do you have of your union or relationship? What about a recent picture? What about souvenirs from special moments together. Do you have a song?

What about doctrine? Do you have journals from when you were dating? Do you have a “story” of your relationship you tell? A “story” of how you got engaged? Maybe this doctrine includes the covenants you made when entering into your union. Did you exchange vows? Do you have written or unwritten expectations for each other that were clear and defined? I’m just going to go on a mini tangent here to share something that Emily Belle Freeman and David Butler share in their Don’t Miss This Podcast Episode on Exodus 18-22. They demonstrate that God’s covenant with Israel is the perfect example for the marriage covenant. God invites them to enter into this covenant relationship with Him and he lays out the conditions of this relationship saying something like “If you want to fully enjoy this relationship, these are the things that are required of you. If you don’t do these things, you don’t get to enjoy the fullness of the relationship. Emily relates that relationship to her marriage. She says, “In a covenant relationship where I love Greg, I covenanted to love Greg. I love Greg with my whole heart, but I have expectations for Greg, and Greg has expectations for me. We both have what we expect that the other person will do and fulfill for the relationship.” And then both she and David continue “And if you were to go outside of those, what would happen to the relationship? It would destroy the relationship, right? There are bounds set that we live within because of the covenant relationship that we have. That doesn't mean we don't love each other or that we love each other less. It actually means we love each other more for the fact that I'm like, I love you so much that I want to set boundaries with you that I'm not willing to actually set with anyone else. But I will set them with you, right? And the bounds almost become a privilege of living within that relationship, right? It's the way I honor Greg is by living within those bounds. And it's the way Greg honors me is by living within those bounds. And I love the thought of that.”

I love the thought of that too. We have to show up every day saying, “Yes, I want to have this marriage relationship today! I want to live in this relationship with you today. I will recommit to the bounds we have set so I can have this relationship.” Which takes us to the last piece of the marriage culture- the rituals!

What are the rituals you have that renew the relationship? This can be anything that you and your partner do. How do you mark special occasions? How do you make time for each other? What do your moments of connection look like? Are they random or are they planned? Do you do anything to mark important moments in the day or special times together? How do you show love and affection? Do you connect over the gospel? Do you pray together?

Two critical times that I always talk with couples about that can make a huge difference in the strength of their relationship are their hellos and goodbyes. In the therapy world they can be called touch points, greetings and goodbyes or entries and exits.

Lisa Merlo-Booth, an advocate for women and marriage shares the following,

“In an effort to help all couples everywhere, I want to talk about the importance of the two Gs: greetings and goodbyes. These are very powerful moments in relationships. One starts off the relationship on a good foot while the other ends it on a good foot.

You can think of them in terms of the primacy (first, i.e. greeting) and recency (last, i.e. goodbye) effects… The greeting is the first thing that happens and often sets the stage and mood for what’s to come later. The goodbye is the last thing that happens. Typically, we hold the first thing and the most recent interaction in our memories the longest. The mundane stuff that happens in the middle often gets lost in the shuffle of our brains.

In many ways this is very good news for busy couples and families. Because of the way our brains work, if you strengthen your entries and exits, you can significantly impact your relationships for the better. Both of these elements take minimal time and effort. They do, however, require that you’re deliberate and focused.”

The Gottman Institute teaches the importance of continuing to get to know each other and learn about the life, interests and details of our spouse. This happens through spending time. They also talk about goodbyes in the following quote, “Happy couples make an effort to learn one thing that is happening in their partner’s life that day before saying goodbye in the morning. This could be lunch plans with a best friend or a doctor’s appointment or a scheduled call with their parents. The goal is to ask questions and learn about the exciting and not so exciting things about your partner’s day.”

So, basically, it’s showing interest in your spouses life, right? So how do you say goodbye when you part? How do you reconnect when you are reunited? It’s important that we don’t make these rituals become routine, but we continue to make them renewing. We do that by recognizing the importance of them in strengthening our connection.

Do you have set date nights? Do you have a commitment to attend the temple together? Do you take time to connect on a daily basis? How do you show mutual appreciation in your relationship? What things can you make into traditions? How can you celebrate your amazing union? How can you be intentional about building a relationship?

I’ll share one example from my family and hopefully you can get thinking about how you want to run with this and what you’re already doing that you want to continue.

When our kids were younger, we were running into the problem of them not wanting to go to bed or not thinking it was fair that we were staying up later than them so we introduced this beautiful thing called “Parent Time.” My kids were just old enough that they could be reasoned with some so I explained the importance of a strong marriage for our family and that as parents, we need time to build our relationship to keep it strong. This allowed them to have some buy-in because it was important for our family. So evenings when we aren’t out as a family, the kids have a bedtime and they are in their rooms after that- so even now that my kids are older, this is still a thing. My oldest daughter can stay up in her room reading but the expectation is still that they don’t interrupt parent time. That’s a time for parents to reconnect and strengthen their relationship.

So in summary, a strong marriage built on the foundation of the gospel is a sure foundation for a family to build on. A marriage relationship comes before our relationships with kids or with outside pursuits. We can strengthen a marriage by utilizing the 3 things that can build a strong culture- We have symbols of our union, we have doctrine which can be any history, stories, rules, commitments, etc. And we have our rituals- the things that renew our relationship on a daily, weekly, monthly or yearly basis. We take time to connect in meaningful ways. The way we part and reunite can be significant moments that stick with us, so we want to make those moments count.

Links:

Rich Christiansen: https://legadofamily.com/3-steps-to-raising-a-healthy-wealthy-wise-family/

Barlow, Rock Solid Marriage Foundation: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2003/06/a-rock-solid-foundation-for-marriage?lang=eng

Soares, In Partnership With God: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2022/10/25soares?lang=eng

Don't Miss This: https://dontmissthisstudy.com/exodus-18-20-come-follow-me-lesson/

Greetings and Goodbyes: https://lisamerlobooth.com/the-power-of-the-2-gs-in-relationships-greetings-and-goodbyes/#:~:text=so%20are%20they%20in%20terms,in%20our%20memories%20the%20longest.

Gottman Institute: https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-hours-a-week-to-a-better-relationship/

Temple Photo Credit- Bruno Delfino

America Photo Credit- Gilles Detot