This past weekend was General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and in my home, that means a lot of traditions. As I oversaw all the preparations and executions for a successful Conference Weekend Celebration and thought about how we are approaching the Holiday Season, I realized the next thing I’d like to share is some things I’ve learned about creating a strong family culture!
So far we’ve been talking about the self-victory, as Stephen Covey would put it. This month we are going to shift gears and build on what we have learned to talk about families! We do the self-work for the purpose of relationships, right? We can’t have a healthy relationship if we are not healthy. It’s difficult to have a happy relationship if we are not happy. Being healthy and happy helps us connect in meaningful ways with others.
I had the privilege of attending a training by Rich Christiansen, author and entrepreneur, on creating a family culture several years ago and this month I want to share that in the context of marriage, family gospel living, and bring it together with the overarching family culture.
So the three things Rich Christiansen taught that make up a successful culture whether that be a sports team, a country, a ward or a family are symbols, doctrine and rituals. So we’ll take the United States of America as he did as our example of each of these things-
What are the symbols of the United States of America? We have the American Flag, we have Uncle Sam, we have the capital building, we have the bald eagle, we have the statue of liberty. I think our songs fit here too such as the Star Spangled Banner. Maybe Rosie the Riveter on the We Can Do It posters. These are symbols that unite the people in the country. They can bring a feeling of belonging, maybe pride, maybe gratitude.
What would the doctrine be? This would be any written word or history. The Pledge of Allegiance, the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Supreme Court rulings, even the poem that was read at Joe Biden’s inauguration by Amanda Gorman. The laws of the land.
What about rituals? What do we do to celebrate the 4th of July? We have Presidential Inaugurations, we have the State of the Union. Parades. New Year’s Eve traditions of watching the ball drop. Holidays- what do we do on Memorial Day? What do we do on Thanksgiving. We have these rituals or traditions and participating in them unites us and can increase our sense of pride in our country or our heritage.
So how do these fit in the context of a marriage? How can you create a strong, positive marriage culture?
First, I want to briefly talk about the why. We want to make sure the foundation of the family is built on the gospel and on the marriage, as opposed to allowing this to flip to having the kids as the foundation or some other thing as the foundation. Marriage comes before the kids. I will forever appreciate a good Bishop who taught me this principle. He shared with me that the marriage has to be strong enough to carry the family. You don’t let your marriage revolve around the kids, your kids have to come second to the marriage. You don’t keep a marriage together because of the kids either. The marriage is separate. It needs to be strengthened and nurtured. It has to come first. A union entered into and maintained with God.
Brent Barlow, in an article entitled, A Rock-Solid Foundation for Marriage, shared the following, “Many occupational pursuits, outside interests, other concerns, and occasionally even Church activities and callings can relegate a spouse or a marriage to secondary status if we are not careful to arrange our priorities according to gospel principles. In 1831 the Lord revealed that we should keep marriage a high priority in our lives. He declared, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22).
Of this particular verse, President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) noted: “The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse. We sometimes find women who absorb and hover over the children at the expense of the husband, sometimes even estranging them from him. This is in direct violation of the command: None else.”5
The good news is that our marriages can not only survive but thrive when we follow principles and teachings of the gospel.”
In our most recent General Conference, Elder Soares said the following, “With true participation, husband and wife merge into the synergistic oneness of an ‘everlasting dominion’ that ‘without compulsory means’ will flow with spiritual life to them and their posterity ‘forever and ever.’”11
How can we build a synergistic oneness that flows with spiritual life? Let’s talk about building our marriage culture!
What are the symbols of a marriage or of YOUR marriage? There’s a ring that symbolizes your union and commitment. Putting it on or wearing it every day is a symbol too- a recommitment to the marriage and a declaration to the world that you are in a committed union. Do you have wedding pictures displayed? Do you have pictures of the temple or place you were married up as a reminder or symbol? Do you have something around from your wedding reception or love notes or a wedding dress? What symbols do you have of your union or relationship? What about a recent picture? What about souvenirs from special moments together. Do you have a song?
What about doctrine? Do you have journals from when you were dating? Do you have a “story” of your relationship you tell? A “story” of how you got engaged? Maybe this doctrine includes the covenants you made when entering into your union. Did you exchange vows? Do you have written or unwritten expectations for each other that were clear and defined? I’m just going to go on a mini tangent here to share something that Emily Belle Freeman and David Butler share in their Don’t Miss This Podcast Episode on Exodus 18-22. They demonstrate that God’s covenant with Israel is the perfect example for the marriage covenant. God invites them to enter into this covenant relationship with Him and he lays out the conditions of this relationship saying something like “If you want to fully enjoy this relationship, these are the things that are required of you. If you don’t do these things, you don’t get to enjoy the fullness of the relationship. Emily relates that relationship to her marriage. She says, “In a covenant relationship where I love Greg, I covenanted to love Greg. I love Greg with my whole heart, but I have expectations for Greg, and Greg has expectations for me. We both have what we expect that the other person will do and fulfill for the relationship.” And then both she and David continue “And if you were to go outside of those, what would happen to the relationship? It would destroy the relationship, right? There are bounds set that we live within because of the covenant relationship that we have. That doesn't mean we don't love each other or that we love each other less. It actually means we love each other more for the fact that I'm like, I love you so much that I want to set boundaries with you that I'm not willing to actually set with anyone else. But I will set them with you, right? And the bounds almost become a privilege of living within that relationship, right? It's the way I honor Greg is by living within those bounds. And it's the way Greg honors me is by living within those bounds. And I love the thought of that.”
I love the thought of that too. We have to show up every day saying, “Yes, I want to have this marriage relationship today! I want to live in this relationship with you today. I will recommit to the bounds we have set so I can have this relationship.” Which takes us to the last piece of the marriage culture- the rituals!
What are the rituals you have that renew the relationship? This can be anything that you and your partner do. How do you mark special occasions? How do you make time for each other? What do your moments of connection look like? Are they random or are they planned? Do you do anything to mark important moments in the day or special times together? How do you show love and affection? Do you connect over the gospel? Do you pray together?
Two critical times that I always talk with couples about that can make a huge difference in the strength of their relationship are their hellos and goodbyes. In the therapy world they can be called touch points, greetings and goodbyes or entries and exits.
Lisa Merlo-Booth, an advocate for women and marriage shares the following,
“In an effort to help all couples everywhere, I want to talk about the importance of the two Gs: greetings and goodbyes. These are very powerful moments in relationships. One starts off the relationship on a good foot while the other ends it on a good foot.
You can think of them in terms of the primacy (first, i.e. greeting) and recency (last, i.e. goodbye) effects… The greeting is the first thing that happens and often sets the stage and mood for what’s to come later. The goodbye is the last thing that happens. Typically, we hold the first thing and the most recent interaction in our memories the longest. The mundane stuff that happens in the middle often gets lost in the shuffle of our brains.
In many ways this is very good news for busy couples and families. Because of the way our brains work, if you strengthen your entries and exits, you can significantly impact your relationships for the better. Both of these elements take minimal time and effort. They do, however, require that you’re deliberate and focused.”
The Gottman Institute teaches the importance of continuing to get to know each other and learn about the life, interests and details of our spouse. This happens through spending time. They also talk about goodbyes in the following quote, “Happy couples make an effort to learn one thing that is happening in their partner’s life that day before saying goodbye in the morning. This could be lunch plans with a best friend or a doctor’s appointment or a scheduled call with their parents. The goal is to ask questions and learn about the exciting and not so exciting things about your partner’s day.”
So, basically, it’s showing interest in your spouses life, right? So how do you say goodbye when you part? How do you reconnect when you are reunited? It’s important that we don’t make these rituals become routine, but we continue to make them renewing. We do that by recognizing the importance of them in strengthening our connection.
Do you have set date nights? Do you have a commitment to attend the temple together? Do you take time to connect on a daily basis? How do you show mutual appreciation in your relationship? What things can you make into traditions? How can you celebrate your amazing union? How can you be intentional about building a relationship?
I’ll share one example from my family and hopefully you can get thinking about how you want to run with this and what you’re already doing that you want to continue.
When our kids were younger, we were running into the problem of them not wanting to go to bed or not thinking it was fair that we were staying up later than them so we introduced this beautiful thing called “Parent Time.” My kids were just old enough that they could be reasoned with some so I explained the importance of a strong marriage for our family and that as parents, we need time to build our relationship to keep it strong. This allowed them to have some buy-in because it was important for our family. So evenings when we aren’t out as a family, the kids have a bedtime and they are in their rooms after that- so even now that my kids are older, this is still a thing. My oldest daughter can stay up in her room reading but the expectation is still that they don’t interrupt parent time. That’s a time for parents to reconnect and strengthen their relationship.
So in summary, a strong marriage built on the foundation of the gospel is a sure foundation for a family to build on. A marriage relationship comes before our relationships with kids or with outside pursuits. We can strengthen a marriage by utilizing the 3 things that can build a strong culture- We have symbols of our union, we have doctrine which can be any history, stories, rules, commitments, etc. And we have our rituals- the things that renew our relationship on a daily, weekly, monthly or yearly basis. We take time to connect in meaningful ways. The way we part and reunite can be significant moments that stick with us, so we want to make those moments count.
Links:
Rich Christiansen: https://legadofamily.com/3-steps-to-raising-a-healthy-wealthy-wise-family/
Barlow, Rock Solid Marriage Foundation: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2003/06/a-rock-solid-foundation-for-marriage?lang=eng
Soares, In Partnership With God: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2022/10/25soares?lang=eng
Don't Miss This: https://dontmissthisstudy.com/exodus-18-20-come-follow-me-lesson/
Greetings and Goodbyes: https://lisamerlobooth.com/the-power-of-the-2-gs-in-relationships-greetings-and-goodbyes/#:~:text=so%20are%20they%20in%20terms,in%20our%20memories%20the%20longest.
Gottman Institute: https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-hours-a-week-to-a-better-relationship/
Temple Photo Credit- Bruno Delfino
America Photo Credit- Gilles Detot
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