An Easy Way to Gain Clarity in How You Want to Spend Your Time!

We are here on Earth to fill the measure of our creation- men are that they might have joy (2 Nephi 2:25), which FULNESS of joy comes through obtaining exaltation! 

Today I am sharing an exercise you can do that can help you do a bit of an inventory of your life and how to make sure the things you are doing are in line with your values and are things you actually WANT to be doing since the theme of this month is taking responsibility. In Doctrine and Covenants 58:27, Heavenly Father instructs, “Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves.” 

Of this idea, President Ezra Taft Benson said, “Usually the Lord gives us the overall objectives to be accomplished and some guidelines to follow, but he expects us to work out most of the details and methods.” (1) For example, we are given the objective to teach our children see (Mosiah 4:14–15)(D&C 68:25, 28), but it doesn’t tell us how to accomplish that. And we’re supposed to provide for our families and a guideline is to do honest work but we are usually supposed to work out the details and methods for doing that as well. So we have some objectives, but it is up to us to work out the details and methods. 

I’m excited to share another favorite exercise I have my clients do! The first place I encountered this exercise was in Marshall Rosenburg’s book entitled Nonviolent Communication, which is another excellent read. He states that this exercise has “significantly enlarged the pool of joy and happiness available to my life, while diminishing depression, guilt and shame.” (3) He believes our choices should be intentional and self-driven rather than driven by fear, guilt, shame, duty or obligation. This exercise helps us see what the motive or driving force behind the things we choose to do are and it also helps us to decide what changes we need to or may want to make. Here is the exercise as described by Marshall Rosenburg in an article he wrote entitled "Don't Do Anything That Isn't Play!" 

Translating Have to, to Choose to 

Step 1: 

What do you do in your life that you don’t experience as playful? List on a piece of paper all those things that you tell yourself you have to do. List any activity you dread but do anyway because you perceive yourself to have no choice. When I first reviewed my own list, just seeing how long it was gave me insight as to why so much of my time was spent not enjoying life. I noticed how many ordinary, daily things I was doing by tricking myself into believing that I had to do them. The first item on my list was “write clinical reports.” I hated writing these reports, yet I was spending at least an hour of agony over them every day. My second item was “drive the children’s car pool to school.” 

Step 2 After completing your list, clearly acknowledge to yourself that you are doing these things because you choose to do them, not because you have to. Insert the words “I choose to . . . ” in front of each item you listed. I recall my own resistance to this step. “Writing clinical reports,” I insisted to myself, “is not something I choose to do! I have to do it. I’m a clinical psychologist. I have to write these reports.” 

Step 3 After having acknowledged that you choose to do a particular activity, get in touch with the intention behind your choice by completing the statement, I choose to . . . because I want . . . . At first I fumbled to identify what I wanted from writing clinical reports. I had already determined, several months earlier, that the reports did not serve my clients enough to justify the time they were taking, so why was I continuing to invest so much energy in their preparation? Finally I realized that I was choosing to write the reports solely because I wanted the income they provided. As soon as I recognized this, I never wrote another clinical report. I can’t tell you how joyful I feel just thinking of how many clinical reports I haven’t written since that moment thirty-five years ago! When I realized that money was my primary motivation, I immediately saw that I could find other ways to take care of myself financially, and that in fact, I’d rather scavenge in garbage cans for food than write another clinical report. The next item on my list of unjoyful tasks was driving the children to school. When I examined the reason behind that chore, however, I felt appreciation for the benefits my children received from attending their school. They could easily walk to the neighborhood school, but their own school was far more in harmony with my educational values. I continued to drive, but with a different energy; instead of “Oh, darn, I have to drive the car pool today,” I was conscious of my purpose, which was for my children to have a quality of education that was very dear to me. Of course I sometimes needed to remind myself two or three times during the drive to refocus my mind on what purpose my action was serving. As you explore the statement, “I choose to . . . because I want . . . ,” you may discover — as I did with the children’s car pool — the important values behind the choices you’ve made.” (2) 

Isn’t that so powerful?? We cross out “I have to” and replace it with "I choose to …because." I love the two examples he shares and how he demonstrates the decision to remove things or keep them with clarity and a new perspective. Dreaded tasks or have to’s can be eliminated if they aren’t glorifying God, bringing us joy, or serving a purpose in line with our values OR dreaded tasks or have to’s can be turned to choose to’s... because or even get to’s when we understand the reasons behind our choices. 

I like to take it one step further and add in the choose not to’s. Think about something you would like to be doing or something someone else or society says you should be doing and figure out your reasons you’re NOT doing those things. If you’re choosing not to go to bed on time or not to homeschool your children or not to drink coffee or have sex outside of marriage, what is your because? Do you like your reasons? Do you need to find better reasons? Can you bring any from external reasons like so and so says I should or asked me to to internal reasons- why are you really doing it? And do you want to change any choose not to’s to a choose TO? 

 I really believe this exercise can bring a lot of clarity and help us to become agents who act rather than individuals being acted upon. We begin to fully take responsibility for our choices and begin fully using the divine gift of agency we’ve been given. 

So in summary, we are eternal beings with divinely appointed objectives that are meant to bring us great joy! We have the gift of agency and God intends for us to use that to seek out the joy He offers us. We can look at the responsibilities we have taken on in our lives and the ways we spend our time and evaluate if they are in-line with our values and objectives through writing down everything we “have to” do and taking responsibility for those things by changing them to “choose to’s” and writing down what we hope to gain or why we are doing those things. If we don’t like our reasons, we can consider other ways to meet our needs or spend our time. Clarity about our reasons can help us find joy in what we are doing, even if the task is distasteful or unpleasant. 

So get to work and see if this can work for you. May you find joy and clarity in the things you do this week! 

1. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/58.26-29?lang=eng#p26 Benson, E. T. (n.d.). Chapter 3: Freedom of Choice, an Eternal Principle. Www.Churchofjesuschrist.Org. Retrieved August 16, 2022, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/teachings-of-presidents-of-the-church-ezra-taft-benson/chapter-3-freedom-of-choice-an-eternal-principle?lang=eng 
2. Rosenberg, M. B. Don’t Do Anything That Isn’t Play! PuddleDancer Press, www.Nonviolentcommunication.Com. Retrieved August 16, 2022, from https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/resources/articles-about-nvc/dont-do-anything-that-isnt-play/Family Proclamation https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng

Make the Harder Choice Easier!

 In my last post, I talked about needing to get in the basics. How do we make it easier to choose those things when there are options that have so much more appeal?

Imagine with me- think of a favorite go-to pastime of yours and  now compare it against a dreaded must-do chore. Read a book or clean the floors, sit and eat a cookie or fold the laundry If that’s your choice, you’re putting an easy against a hard so choosing the hard option is going to be really, really hard. It’s like the late-night choice of watch another episode or go get ready for bed. Which are we more likely to choose given that easy-hard choice. 

So how do we bring our options into balance? 

We have to prep for success. If we get ready for bed before we sit down to watch the show it makes the choice watch another episode or go to bed. That’s a more balanced easy-easy choice.  

To take it a step further, we can make it easy to choose the harder option by making the easy option hard. For example- using the same choice- to make watching another episode HARD we could put a timer on the wifi so it shuts off at 10:30 or 11 pm every night. Then getting another episode going becomes harder than just going to bed because we’d have to go override the timer, wait for the wifi to kick-in again and the show to load. So if the choice is do all that or go to bed it switches it to a hard-easy choice. If it’s eating junk, don’t buy it when you’re at the store and then the choice between eating something nourishing and eating the yummy junk can be an easy-hard where to eat that you’d have to go out and get it. Prepping the healthy food ahead also makes that an easier choice. 

So try to set up your life to make the need-to’s the easy choice. Today I was thinking about exercise and had the choice to hit the treadmill or do a work-out video. I didn’t want to do either but my choice wasn’t treadmill or not exercise so I was able to think of exercise that sounded more enticing- I found some youtube line dance videos to dance along to as a change for a lower-mood day. To get my morning prayers in, I used to have the choice between stopping everything to get in a prayer-if I remembered- or moving on with my morning- now I’ve made the choice- stay in bed and say morning prayer or get up and start the day. It’s an easy-hard. I enjoy that time kneeling in my bed under my covers praying before getting up! Find ways to make the choice easy! 

What if we started prioritizing our needs? 

Brooke Snow from the Brooke Snow Podcast said the following,

“The Lord knows we have need of these things. Your physiology comes before your psychology. Take care of your body and you’ll have an easier time taking care of your mind…Do all you can to take care of those basics for you and for your family every day. Is there some area in those basic needs that you can optimize? Can you work on getting more sleep or better sleep? Can you work on getting more real nourishing food into your diet? Can you work on moving your body in a way that connects you to yourself or connects you to heaven and to earth? Watch how it naturally prepares the way for those other needs to come into place! When you’ve taken care of your body you create space to receive the other needs in your life. Those needs of love and belonging and optimally being your best self. There’s wisdom in order.  By small and simple things are great things brought to pass. Imagine your life taking care of your body first so you can take better care of your mind.”

Our physiology comes before our psychology. As a therapist, we are trained to ALWAYS, ALWAYS rule-out any medical problems that may be manifesting as mental health problems or medications that may be causing symptoms, etc. Physiology before psychology.

So what if we took responsibility for our own lives and made any changes we feel are needed. What if doing these basic things became the easy choice for us?

We can prepare ahead to make the harder choices easier and the easier choices harder. We can try to bring more balance to our choices so we’re not defaulting to the path of least resistance or the biggest dopamine hit. We want to avoid making these basic needs a hard option that is going to be really, really hard and instead make our fun options with no reward a little harder. Because again, taking care of ourselves is the best investment we can ever make and allows us to then make our biggest contribution in every worthy endeavor we pursue including our family, our community, our work and our church endeavors. 

May even your hard days be filled with good things! 

Where to Focus on Hard Days

Last month we talked about being present, which was great for me while I was away on vacation with fun, engaging things to be involved in and PRESENT at. Now I’m home and I find myself wanting to shift away from being present now that I’m back to the quiet life and facing some challenges. Being present is SO MUCH HARDER in the midst of trials or negative emotions. So for others going through the hard stuff, I want to connect it to this month of taking responsibility. 

When we face the hard things, we need to shift our focus to the basics. We need to make sure we are looking out for our incredible bodies and our amazing Spirits. Ask yourself: 

• Am I getting enough sleep? 

• Am I praying? 

• Am I reading my scriptures? 

• Am I moving my body through exercise? 

• Am I connecting with other people? 

• Am I engaging in meaningful work? 

• Am I eating for nutrition? 

• Am I drinking enough water?

• Am I getting out?

Think about a time when you weren’t getting enough sleep, or didn’t have meaningful prayers, or weren’t reading your scriptures, or weren’t exercising, or weren’t connecting with other people or doing meaningful things with your time, or weren’t getting out or were just eating junk! How were you feeling? I know when I get off with more than a few of these, I   feel it. This past year, I’ve gotten better at some of these things- like exercise- and before that, I probably would have told you that not exercising doesn’t affect me. However, since being more regular with it, I notice when I haven’t been doing it! I feel it. On my trip, I wasn’t exercising and I FELT it! I felt restless. I felt like I had less energy. I didn’t feel productive or as proud of myself. :) It’s the same with all of these things. Not doing them affects us more than we realize. Also, you may have any different core things that YOU need to do every day. Those are the things to move your focus to on the harder days. Get the basics in! 

Greg McKeown, who wrote the excellent book, Essentialism, and who is also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints addresses this topic in his book. He says, “The best asset we have for making a contribution to the world is ourselves. If we underinvest in ourselves, and by that I mean our minds, our bodies, our spirits, we damage the very tool we need to make our highest contribution. One of the most common ways people damage this asset is through a lack of sleep.

Sleep is what allows us to operate at our highest level of contribution so that we can achieve more, in less time. By “protecting their asset”, they are able to go about their daily lives with a reserve of energy, creativity, and problem-solving ability to call upon when needed.” (1)

You’ll need to clear out some of the clutter in your life- the extra things that make you have to choose between them and these basics! How many of you have heard the quote “If you don't have time to pray and read the scriptures, you are busier than God ever intended you to be.” (2) I found that quote attributed to Matthew Kelly, an author, speaker, and many things (see below for link to his bio). I think there’s a lot of truth to that. I feel like over the past 5+, our church leaders have been encouraging this back-to-the-basics life where we, as a recent bishop I had said, make what many of us refer to as “the primary answers” of primary importance, rather than secondary to some other lower pursuit.” (Bishop Adam McDonald of the Valencia Ward of the Tucson South Stake).

Some days are harder than others. On those harder days, we’ve got to shift our priorities and be gentler with ourselves. We need to find space to take care of the basics- getting sleep, eating nourishing food, drinking water, praying, reading the scriptures, meaningfully connecting with others, getting out, and perhaps doing something with our time that is meaningful in some way. On those days we really need to allow ourselves to get rid of the excess. Those things that drain our time and energy and keep us from choosing the things that are needful. Getting the basics in help us stay afloat, even in the midst of our difficult days.

1. Essentialism by Greg McKeown: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18077875-essentialism

2. About Matthew Kelly: https://www.matthewkelly.com/about

Psalms FHE: Make Your Own Psalm

 Make Your Own Psalm

We had so much fun putting phrases from Psalms together to write our own for FHE last night!

I copied a few dozen phrases I had marked in my reading this week and printed off a few copies, then cut them into strips and let my kids choose what phrases they wanted to use in writing out their own Psalm. It was SO fun, some of us did 2! I was a little surprised how much my kids (12, 10, 6) embraced it. We glued them onto cardstock using white liquid glue.

The printable file is here. It was SO fun, some of us did 2! These phrases are from Psalms 1-36.

The Tragedy at Rayad

Today I'm going to share a favorite story, the Tragedy at RAYAD. Before I share the story, I will tell you that RAYAD is actually an acronym for Righteous Active Youth Aren’t Deceived! This story, shared by Ardeth G. Kapp, former president of the General Young Women's Organization, has, I hope, kept me from being deceived from time to time by the cunning and craftiness of the great pretender and imitator, Satan--the unoriginal but good-at-what-he-does tempter who thinks he can do things better than God. This story has a similar message to C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters but is much more accessible for a younger audience.

So without further ado, I give you,

The Tragedy at Rayad

Once upon a time there was a little kingdom called Rayad. The tiny people who inhabited this kingdom were called Rayadites. They lived happily, sharing and caring about each other. Life was good to them.
There were only a few things they needed to watch out for; for instance, chocolate cake or wearing the color red. If any Rayadite ever ate chocolate cake or wore red, his spirit would become weakened and he would care less and less about himself and the rules of the kingdom.

Also living in this tiny kingdom was Zynock, an evil person who wanted to destroy the kingdom and all of the people in it. He hated for them to be happy and loving, for that made it harder for him to influence them. He knew what weakened their spirits and made them easier to capture. But Zynock also knew that he could not just offer the Rayadites chocolate cake and have them devour it ‑ they were not that foolish! Nor could he make the most wonderful garment in bright red and expect them to wear it immediately. The Rayadites wanted to be good and strong. They had promised each other that they would help and strengthen each other in times of need. So how could Zynock weaken this people? How could he get them to succumb to him so that he could destroy them and thus the whole kingdom?

“Let's see,” he said, “I can't get them to eat chocolate cake right off, but maybe I can get them to develop a taste for chocolate.”

That's when chocolate chip cookies were introduced to the kingdom of Rayad. At first the cookies were ignored and scoffed at. Then some commercials and billboards were produced that showed handsome, wonderful‑looking Rayadites eating chocolate chip cookies. And nothing happened to them, except they became more popular and sophisticated ‑ at least that's what the message conveyed on the screens and billboards. It wasn't long before a few Rayadites could be seen eating a chocolate chip cookie every now and then, and they seemed to be doing fine. They were still loving and caring and hadn't changed at all ‑ so it seemed. So more and more Rayadites began eating the cookies. What they didn't realize was that the portion of chocolate chips in each cookie had been doubled. They were getting a double dose of chocolate, disguised in the cookie. You'd hear phrases like these: "That cookie is really good except for a couple of places where it tastes pretty chocolaty. But don't miss the cookie just for those two places. It's too good a cookie, and you can overlook the taste." "I heard that one of our friends has eaten a chocolate chip cookie and she says it's nothing to be afraid of. It won't ruin your life if you eat it."

That was true. Lives didn't seem to be ruined by chocolate chip cookies. Things were pretty much the same as usual. However, some of the teachers and leaders and parents in Rayad suggested avoiding the cookies because tastes for chocolate were being developed.

"Avoid the cookies?" came the cries of surprise. "What for? What's wrong with them? They're not chocolate cake! How stuffy can you get?"

Some who refused to eat the cookies were even laughed at and made fun of. Zynock himself started chuckling. He had no idea his plan would work so well. And Zynock was patient. He didn't care how long it took to destroy Rayad, just so it was destroyed.

Chocolate chip cookies seemed to be moving pretty well. Zynock didn't worry about the words of caution and counsel from the leaders, because his commercials and billboards were so exciting and enticing. He had to make them that way, or the truth of the leaders would have swayed the Rayadites away from the cookies.

Now it came time to introduce a new product of destruction. No, not chocolate cake, not quite yet. Rather Zynock began advertising spice cake, white cake, yellow cake, carrot cake, any kind of cake but chocolate ‑ but all with chocolate frosting, rich chocolate frosting. More commercials, billboards, a few songs to hum and sing all day about how wonderful chocolate cake would be, although they're not eating it ‑ yet! Get them thinking about it before they will actually succumb.

Then in the kingdom of Rayad you could hear:

"Have you tried that yellow cake with chocolate frosting?"

"Well, no. Is it good?"

"Oh yes! Granted it is chocolaty but it's not chocolate cake. And it really doesn't have much more chocolate than those cookies we've been eating!"

"But the cake doesn't seem right. I mean, cookies are one thing, but cake?"

“Ah, come on! The important thing is the chocolate, and this is no more than you've already been eating. Everybody's eating it. You can't pass it up and be the only one left out."

In the meantime, the songs were subtly strumming away in the background, singing praises of chocolate cake. Right, the words were not good, but the beat and the rhythm were so cool that many Rayads listened just for the music. After all, what can music do?

Zynock began thinking again: "One thing that strengthens those Rayadites is when they are together talking to each other. What can I do about that?" Then he reasoned, "Well, it's all right for them to be together. In fact, maybe there is some way I could use their gatherings and parties for my purposes. Aha! I've got it!"

So the parties in Rayad began changing. Instead of the Rayadites talking to each other and playing games so they could get to know one another and share their strengths and talents, a new trend began. Everyone who was anyone had the new kinds of parties.

"Have you been to a party at our Rayad friend's place yet?"

"No, I haven't."

"You should go. It's really cool!"

"Oh? What do you do?"

"Well, it isn't like any other party you've been to. It's pretty cool. All you do is go and sit down and watch stuff on the screen."

"Stuff on the screen? Like what?"

"Oh, exciting, scary stuff that's pretty good. There are a few scenes showing people eating chocolate cake, but no biggy.”

“People eating chocolate cake? But…”

“Oh, it’s not bad, and besides, there’s nothing anymore without a little bit of that. It's just fun to get together with your friends."

So Zynock stood back and watched his plot unfold. "Let's see now. They're eating chocolate and they're eating cake. They're listening to songs and watching movies about chocolate cake. They're becoming weaker and weaker, although they're not even aware of it yet because they haven't actually eaten chocolate cake. They talk about it, make jokes about it, but they haven't eaten it ‑ yet! They are falling into my trap! They think their leaders and parents are square and stuffy. It's very helpful when their friends tell them what I want them to hear. Friends are my greatest asset!"

"Hey!" says a friend Rayadite, "Have you seen the latest movie? It shows people eating chocolate cake, but no 'biggy'."

"People eating chocolate cake? But..."

"Oh, it's not bad, and besides, there's nothing anymore without a little.”

"No," comes the response. "I thought it was C‑rated, for chocolate."

"No, it isn't. It's R‑rated for Red. There's no chocolate in it."

And so Zynock continues his plotting ‑ this time a gorgeous garment, but not in red...yet. It's a luscious pink color...

This story is an excerpt from the book I Walk By Faith, by Ardeth G. Kapp:       https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/1831775.Walk_by_Faith

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