Where to Focus on Hard Days

Last month we talked about being present, which was great for me while I was away on vacation with fun, engaging things to be involved in and PRESENT at. Now I’m home and I find myself wanting to shift away from being present now that I’m back to the quiet life and facing some challenges. Being present is SO MUCH HARDER in the midst of trials or negative emotions. So for others going through the hard stuff, I want to connect it to this month of taking responsibility. 

When we face the hard things, we need to shift our focus to the basics. We need to make sure we are looking out for our incredible bodies and our amazing Spirits. Ask yourself: 

• Am I getting enough sleep? 

• Am I praying? 

• Am I reading my scriptures? 

• Am I moving my body through exercise? 

• Am I connecting with other people? 

• Am I engaging in meaningful work? 

• Am I eating for nutrition? 

• Am I drinking enough water?

• Am I getting out?

Think about a time when you weren’t getting enough sleep, or didn’t have meaningful prayers, or weren’t reading your scriptures, or weren’t exercising, or weren’t connecting with other people or doing meaningful things with your time, or weren’t getting out or were just eating junk! How were you feeling? I know when I get off with more than a few of these, I   feel it. This past year, I’ve gotten better at some of these things- like exercise- and before that, I probably would have told you that not exercising doesn’t affect me. However, since being more regular with it, I notice when I haven’t been doing it! I feel it. On my trip, I wasn’t exercising and I FELT it! I felt restless. I felt like I had less energy. I didn’t feel productive or as proud of myself. :) It’s the same with all of these things. Not doing them affects us more than we realize. Also, you may have any different core things that YOU need to do every day. Those are the things to move your focus to on the harder days. Get the basics in! 

Greg McKeown, who wrote the excellent book, Essentialism, and who is also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints addresses this topic in his book. He says, “The best asset we have for making a contribution to the world is ourselves. If we underinvest in ourselves, and by that I mean our minds, our bodies, our spirits, we damage the very tool we need to make our highest contribution. One of the most common ways people damage this asset is through a lack of sleep.

Sleep is what allows us to operate at our highest level of contribution so that we can achieve more, in less time. By “protecting their asset”, they are able to go about their daily lives with a reserve of energy, creativity, and problem-solving ability to call upon when needed.” (1)

You’ll need to clear out some of the clutter in your life- the extra things that make you have to choose between them and these basics! How many of you have heard the quote “If you don't have time to pray and read the scriptures, you are busier than God ever intended you to be.” (2) I found that quote attributed to Matthew Kelly, an author, speaker, and many things (see below for link to his bio). I think there’s a lot of truth to that. I feel like over the past 5+, our church leaders have been encouraging this back-to-the-basics life where we, as a recent bishop I had said, make what many of us refer to as “the primary answers” of primary importance, rather than secondary to some other lower pursuit.” (Bishop Adam McDonald of the Valencia Ward of the Tucson South Stake).

Some days are harder than others. On those harder days, we’ve got to shift our priorities and be gentler with ourselves. We need to find space to take care of the basics- getting sleep, eating nourishing food, drinking water, praying, reading the scriptures, meaningfully connecting with others, getting out, and perhaps doing something with our time that is meaningful in some way. On those days we really need to allow ourselves to get rid of the excess. Those things that drain our time and energy and keep us from choosing the things that are needful. Getting the basics in help us stay afloat, even in the midst of our difficult days.

1. Essentialism by Greg McKeown: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18077875-essentialism

2. About Matthew Kelly: https://www.matthewkelly.com/about

The Rise of Anxiety Among the Young

This past fall I crawled into the tent I was sharing with my daughter, my niece and nephew and my nephew was fast asleep but the girls were still up chatting. This was my 2nd or 3rd time tenting with these two and it was not uncommon for them to be up late chatting. This time, however, their conversation was different. They were talking about REAL LIFE struggles instead of the usual light chatter. They related that my niece had told my daughter she’d been struggling at school a lot with anxiety! My daughter had told her about my job and tried to teach her the trick I’m going to teach you today. I loved that they were having that conversation and especially that my daughter had actually sort-of listened as I have tried to teach her this cool trick.

Over the rest of our trip, I spent some time teaching my niece a few of the shortcuts to success that I love for anxiety and was reviewing them with her while we were in the hot tub on one of our last days. My nephew came in and asked what in the world we were talking about so we told him and he said he actually feels a lot of anxiety too sometimes! It made me wonder how many kids would agree that they are actually struggling with anxiety sometimes too! Would it be the majority? Would it be half? 

This camping trip was a week or so after our Ward Primary Program and I’m in the Primary Presidency, so was heavily involved with the program. It was the first in 2 years because we weren’t attending together in 2020. The kids weren’t as used to the programs and some have a hard time with it regardless, but I was sad to see SO many REALLY struggle with feelings of apprehension or even anxiety about participating or being in front of the congregation or even just their peers. But it makes me wonder, again- How many would admit that they struggle with anxiety too??

I know I have also shared that my daughter struggles with anxiety. 

The picture this illuminates for me is alarming. Anxiety is on the rise and our young people are experiencing it in a very real way! A definition I read for anxiety from a New York Times Article entitled,  “Why Are More Teenagers Than Ever Suffering From Severe Anxiety?, states that anxiety is simply ”The overestimation of danger and the underestimation of our ability to cope.(1) So what can we do about this other pandemic, the pandemic of anxiety? I hope to teach you some of my shortcuts so that you can use them and teach them too!

So first, does fight, flight or freeze sound familiar to you? This is what kicks in when our brain is in emergency mode. We enter a hyper-alert state where we are ready to jump immediately into action solving for an immediate threat. But people are spending more and more time in this hyper-arousal state, which is meant to be only for true emergencies. Like forgetting our homework? Or a change in our routine? Or running late? Are these true emergencies? Our brains seem to think so these days. Our bodies get flooded with stress hormones which prep us for action. This takes us out of thinking mode and moves us into doing mode. It takes our focus and energy away from healing, relaxation, digestion, and higher thought. It is the opposite of rest and digest. It is the opposite of contentment and peace. That hyper-arousal state is exhausting and difficult to maintain outside of the rare, occasional times it is meant for. Hopefully this can inform why kids come home from school sometimes exhausted or why they are sometimes misbehaving in class. 

Anxiety is on the rise. Our brains are misconstruing everyday minor stressors as major emergencies, triggering fight, flight or freeze mode to kick in. We can start questioning our thinking. Try asking yourself this question- Will this matter tomorrow? or even, Will this matter in a month or a in a year? These questions can help us override fight, flight or freeze mode. Later this week, I'll also share my two favorite hacks for switching over to rest and digest mode.

1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201905/longer-exhalations-are-easy-way-hack-your-vagus-nerve

Can I Get a Validation Please?

Have any of you seen the Youtube video called Validation by Kurt Kuenne from 2015 with over ten million views? It begins with people lining up for parking validation in a parking garage and instead of just validating their ticket stub, the character takes his job of validation literally and validates each person in line, saying things like,

“You. You are awesome!...Someday people are going to see you for what you really are. You are great!”

and

“You work so hard! What you do is so important!”

The people being validated are always so surprised, returning his compliments with “Really? You really think so?” or things like  “That’s so good to hear. Most times I feel like people don’t recognize that.” Check it out!!

Isn't that the best?!

A Healthline Article gives this great insight, “Support doesn’t require you to fully understand a problem or provide a solution. Often, it involves nothing more than validation. When you validate someone, you’re letting them know you see and understand their perspective.” ((healthline link)) As I've mentioned previously, validation is not agreeing, teaching, correcting or anything more than simply letting someone be heard. It could change a life which could have far-reaching ripples.

One practice we have in our home for validation is when we begin our weekly Family Council, we start it off with Positive Feedback and recognize each other or demonstrate that we SEE each other and recognize efforts and positive activities by each person throughout the week. I LOVE seeing my kids recognizing each other, having them routinely giving us an extra thank you for the things we do for them, and having that space where they are used to us highlighting their triumphs.

So many are simply seeking validation. Let's try to notice this in the people around us and take the step to validate when we feel able to do so.

When you feel like Every Parent Should Know How to Help Their Child- Yet You Don't

Do you ever feel like you should have all the answers? Maybe as a leader, or a parent, or a teacher, or in receiving revelation? I know I have.

            A recent time I was really struggling was a few years ago when my youngest child as a toddler had special needs- he wouldn't let me leave him anywhere. My husband didn't believe there was something ACTUALLY wrong with him because it wasn’t severe, but it was crippling for me. I felt like I couldn't get a job to help support us through my husband’s PhD. I couldn’t leave him with a babysitter. Nursery was absolutely not happening despite valiant efforts on my part and the part of an incredible nursery leader! This made fulfilling my calling on Sundays in the Relief Society Presidency extremely difficult. My daughter was also struggling at this point with anxiety that was showing up in a few different ways. And you guys, I have a degree in this! I felt like, as their mom AND as a mental health professional, I SHOULD be able to help them or at least know what to do. But I didn't! And I didn't know where to turn. I shared my concerns with others I regularly interacted with and finally with their pediatrician who was able to point us to resources. And guess what, the people at those resources didn't know what to do either. But we explored solutions together and discovered that one of the things we were dealing with was Sensory Processing Disorder! It was a long process but it was so validating and helpful to finally have an explanation and reason for what was going on. That would not have been possible if I hadn't talked about our struggles and admitted that I did not have all the answers. And guess what!? None of us have all the answers! Zero. And that's okay. I would really love you all to say "I don't have all the answers, and it's okay!!" The big secret is, we're not supposed to have all the answers. Sometimes I feel like God intentionally gives pieces of the puzzle to a few people who he brings together to be able to see the big picture--because he does not want us to have to struggle alone.

           
As member's of Christ's restored church, we sometimes feel like if God gives us a responsibility or calling, we should have the answers we need to fulfill that responsibility. We feel like he will just endow us with all the know-how we'll need or give us direct revelation for everything. Sometimes he will do that and he is certainly capable of doing that, but good revelation is based on good information as President Nelson so beautifully taught us when he was called to be the Prophet. We have access to information, people, and resources in an incredible way in this time-period with knowledge being shared instantly around the world.

            Every parent needs help knowing how to help their children. Every married person needs help knowing how to help their spouse or how to even be married. Every member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints needs help learning how to access God and live the gospel. Every leader needs help knowing how to lead. This is why we routinely have trainings and conferences. This learning can only happen as we meekly admit that we don't have all the answers.  

            So some of you may be thinking, but what about the whole revelation/answers from heaven piece. And we don't want to miss that vital piece. Well, revelation and answers often come as we COUNSEL with others. Unless we have a conversation about the myriad of things I have experience with, you may not know I have information and resources to share about those things. YOU might have information about a myriad of things I am needing information or guidance on and I won't know that until I start having conversations or seeking that information. And here is the piece on revelation- God will help us know WHO to talk with or WHERE to seek out the information we are looking for. Has this ever happened to you? You are pondering a question and someone comes to mind or you have the thought to listen to a certain podcast or conference talk. Or you have the thought to go to a certain event where there's a certain person who knows exactly what resources you need?

            One of the reasons we have struggles is so we learn how to help others who may go through something similar. And one of the reasons we are given responsibilities- within the church or as a parent or employee or leader- is to learn and grow. We're not supposed to have all the answers.

            I was able to get help and support for my children. I had people helping me muddle through the possibilities until we figured out what was going on. I had actionable steps and tools to use to help them and find my life again! It wasn't all about what they were struggling with anymore. And I wasn't feeling so alone or overwhelmed anymore.

            So my challenge for you today is Find Your Help! Open your mouth and talk about your experience and problem- not with the intent for sympathy or to complain (maybe that's a bonus) but with the intent to figure out who you need to talk to. Search the internet. Search the library. Search podcasts. Youtube. We live in an age of information sharing and someone out there is having an experience like you and has made a breakthrough! Pray to find those people! Search to find those people. And along the road, you just may have the blessing of being that person for someone else. 

If you are already on the other side of some trials, which I think applies to all of us, be open about those as you feel able to do so. I promise as you do, it will bless those around you. You will have deeper and fuller relationships and even if you don’t feel like you have any answers, just talking about the experience can help others not feel so alone. 

Reyna Aburto has said, "when we open up about our emotional challenges, admitting we are not perfect, we give others permission to share their struggles. Together we realize there is hope and we do not have to suffer alone."(1)

1. Reyna I. Aburto. Thru cloud and sunshine, lord, abide with me! The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Retrieved June 14, 2022, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/10/31aburto?lang=eng

3 Things Anyone Can Do To Help People Who Are Struggling

Ever wonder what you can actually do to help someone who is struggling? Here are three effective things you can do right now that will help even more than any skill I can teach you -without any training on your part- but maybe a touch of courage:

1- Share Your Struggles

Admitting YOU struggle literally lifts a weight off both you and those around you. Think about a time someone shared a struggle you’ve been having. How did that feel to hear you weren’t the only one? Even if it’s not the same struggle you’ve been having, isn’t it comforting to know that others struggle too? It invites others to share! It gives people permission to feel how they are feeling. It helps people know we can struggle and we can still be okay! Did I sell you on that yet? We need to share. We do not need “to have it all together” whatever that even means. We’re not supposed to! We are here to struggle. Period. So why do we hide this? Why don’t we give ourselves and others permission to live in and through the struggle?

If you are struggling to show up as the mom you want to be and sometimes “losing it” with your kids, talk about that. If you are struggling to like or enjoy being a mom or dad, talk about it. If you are struggling with enjoying your scripture study, talk about that. If you are struggling with the desire to go to church, share! If you are having a hard time in your marriage, talk about it! If you struggle with anxiety, talk about that. If you struggle with depression or regret, talk about it. If you don’t know how to help a child or a spouse or a friend, talk about it.

What does that look like? In Sunday School you could say “I can really relate to Moses here because I do not know how to help my daughter or my spouse right now and I really need to spend that time with the Lord to feel His support and strength.”

In Testimony Meeting you could say “I’m starting to feel my depression on the rise again and I worry what that is going to mean for me over the next weeks and months but I know that God is good and I have a testimony of his great plan and perfect love.”

When you are out with your friends you could say “I’m not loving reading the scriptures right now, anyone else ever feel this way?” Or “I’m struggling in my marriage right now and I really appreciate our time together to just have a break from all that.”

When you are with your kids you could say “I’ve been having a hard time feeling good lately and feel kind of weighed down and just wanted you to know that and know it’s okay to feel like that and if I ever seem distracted or sad it’s not because of you in any way. YOU are one of the best parts of my life! If you ever feel some of these feelings, we can get through it together because that’s what families are for- we stick together okay?”

Start small and work up to the bigger shares because it IS a little scary. But can I tell you one moment of vulnerability like that will build bridges faster than 50 moments of being strong and “having it all together”- whatever that even means. It’s so important you guys!!

2- LISTEN

Provide that listening ear for people. Ask how people are doing and let them know that you are genuinely wondering and are willing to spend time just to listen. A roadblock to listening is feeling like we need to know what to say or we don’t want to give them any wrong advice but know this! All you have to do is validate them. Validation looks like “that’s a lot! I can understand why you are having a hard time!” or “I’ve never had to go through that and I’m really sorry you have to right now.” or “Given your perspective I can see why it feels that way!” Validation is not agreeing, teaching, correcting or anything more than this- you let them know that you hear them and based on their perspective it makes sense for them to be feeling what they’re feeling. How would it feel to be listened to in this way? Guess what my friends, you can also do this for yourself. We don’t have to constantly be correcting, redirecting, coaching or shaming our feelings. We can simply validate that- given our perspective, it makes sense to feel the way we do. So side-note there–but we also want to be looking out for ourselves!

3- Support

Let them know you’re around. You’re around if they need someone to vent to. You’re around if they would like a different perspective on the matter. You’re around if they want a distraction sometime. You’re around if they want to explore solutions. You can help them find resources if they’d like that. You’re there at any level they let you to be there. Can you do that? This does not mean you are the one solving their problems. This does not mean you take on their problems! They own their problems. You help hold them for a moment and then you give them back. You hold them for a moment and then give them another person or another resource that can help THEM to hold their problems. Or best of all, we encourage them to hand their weight over to the Savior who will trade our burdens for his, which is light and easy to carry.

Doesn’t that sound like the plan of our God? He organizes us into families, wards, stakes, communities and a worldwide Restored Church. We are stronger together and together we can!