Ever wonder what you can actually do to help someone who is struggling? Here are three effective things you can do right now that will help even more than any skill I can teach you -without any training on your part- but maybe a touch of courage:
1- Share Your Struggles
Admitting YOU struggle literally lifts a weight off both you and those around you. Think about a time someone shared a struggle you’ve been having. How did that feel to hear you weren’t the only one? Even if it’s not the same struggle you’ve been having, isn’t it comforting to know that others struggle too? It invites others to share! It gives people permission to feel how they are feeling. It helps people know we can struggle and we can still be okay! Did I sell you on that yet? We need to share. We do not need “to have it all together” whatever that even means. We’re not supposed to! We are here to struggle. Period. So why do we hide this? Why don’t we give ourselves and others permission to live in and through the struggle?
If you are struggling to show up as the mom you want to be and sometimes “losing it” with your kids, talk about that. If you are struggling to like or enjoy being a mom or dad, talk about it. If you are struggling with enjoying your scripture study, talk about that. If you are struggling with the desire to go to church, share! If you are having a hard time in your marriage, talk about it! If you struggle with anxiety, talk about that. If you struggle with depression or regret, talk about it. If you don’t know how to help a child or a spouse or a friend, talk about it.
What does that look like? In Sunday School you could say “I can really relate to Moses here because I do not know how to help my daughter or my spouse right now and I really need to spend that time with the Lord to feel His support and strength.”
In Testimony Meeting you could say “I’m starting to feel my depression on the rise again and I worry what that is going to mean for me over the next weeks and months but I know that God is good and I have a testimony of his great plan and perfect love.”
When you are out with your friends you could say “I’m not loving reading the scriptures right now, anyone else ever feel this way?” Or “I’m struggling in my marriage right now and I really appreciate our time together to just have a break from all that.”
When you are with your kids you could say “I’ve been having a hard time feeling good lately and feel kind of weighed down and just wanted you to know that and know it’s okay to feel like that and if I ever seem distracted or sad it’s not because of you in any way. YOU are one of the best parts of my life! If you ever feel some of these feelings, we can get through it together because that’s what families are for- we stick together okay?”
Start small and work up to the bigger shares because it IS a little scary. But can I tell you one moment of vulnerability like that will build bridges faster than 50 moments of being strong and “having it all together”- whatever that even means. It’s so important you guys!!
2- LISTEN
Provide that listening ear for people. Ask how people are doing and let them know that you are genuinely wondering and are willing to spend time just to listen. A roadblock to listening is feeling like we need to know what to say or we don’t want to give them any wrong advice but know this! All you have to do is validate them. Validation looks like “that’s a lot! I can understand why you are having a hard time!” or “I’ve never had to go through that and I’m really sorry you have to right now.” or “Given your perspective I can see why it feels that way!” Validation is not agreeing, teaching, correcting or anything more than this- you let them know that you hear them and based on their perspective it makes sense for them to be feeling what they’re feeling. How would it feel to be listened to in this way? Guess what my friends, you can also do this for yourself. We don’t have to constantly be correcting, redirecting, coaching or shaming our feelings. We can simply validate that- given our perspective, it makes sense to feel the way we do. So side-note there–but we also want to be looking out for ourselves!
3- Support
Let them know you’re around. You’re around if they need someone to vent to. You’re around if they would like a different perspective on the matter. You’re around if they want a distraction sometime. You’re around if they want to explore solutions. You can help them find resources if they’d like that. You’re there at any level they let you to be there. Can you do that? This does not mean you are the one solving their problems. This does not mean you take on their problems! They own their problems. You help hold them for a moment and then you give them back. You hold them for a moment and then give them another person or another resource that can help THEM to hold their problems. Or best of all, we encourage them to hand their weight over to the Savior who will trade our burdens for his, which is light and easy to carry.
Doesn’t that sound like the plan of our God? He organizes us into families, wards, stakes, communities and a worldwide Restored Church. We are stronger together and together we can!
