Can I Get a Validation Please?

Have any of you seen the Youtube video called Validation by Kurt Kuenne from 2015 with over ten million views? It begins with people lining up for parking validation in a parking garage and instead of just validating their ticket stub, the character takes his job of validation literally and validates each person in line, saying things like,

“You. You are awesome!...Someday people are going to see you for what you really are. You are great!”

and

“You work so hard! What you do is so important!”

The people being validated are always so surprised, returning his compliments with “Really? You really think so?” or things like  “That’s so good to hear. Most times I feel like people don’t recognize that.” Check it out!!

Isn't that the best?!

A Healthline Article gives this great insight, “Support doesn’t require you to fully understand a problem or provide a solution. Often, it involves nothing more than validation. When you validate someone, you’re letting them know you see and understand their perspective.” ((healthline link)) As I've mentioned previously, validation is not agreeing, teaching, correcting or anything more than simply letting someone be heard. It could change a life which could have far-reaching ripples.

One practice we have in our home for validation is when we begin our weekly Family Council, we start it off with Positive Feedback and recognize each other or demonstrate that we SEE each other and recognize efforts and positive activities by each person throughout the week. I LOVE seeing my kids recognizing each other, having them routinely giving us an extra thank you for the things we do for them, and having that space where they are used to us highlighting their triumphs.

So many are simply seeking validation. Let's try to notice this in the people around us and take the step to validate when we feel able to do so.

Ever Feel Like No One SEES You?

Being a young mom with little kids was really hard for me. I loved it! But it was hard. Can anyone relate?

We moved out-of-state for grad school away from our whole support system- everyone we knew- and I had a 10-month-old and a 2-year-old. We moved again just over a year and a half later. Those days were hard. Those moves were hard. Upon arriving, I didn’t know the areas or anyone and felt isolated and stuck inside with two little kids. Not knowing anyone meant very few breaks. My husband at the time was in school and then in a demanding job. He was great to help out when he was home, but the days were long. In the midst of this time I read a blog post of a mom with older kids remembering those days- something similar to this post I found that says, 

“For you moms who are in the trenches with little ones, I See You, and I Remember How Hard it Was!”

She painted the picture of the daily struggles in a way that felt very real and extremely validating. And she gave encouragement similar to this in the same post, 

“Your babies will grow up. They will need you a little bit less. And you will someday get to gather your thoughts, think for yourself, and use your brain for things that you’re passionate about (outside of your family). (https://justhomemaking.com/tired-mom/)

Hearing those similar words back then made being that mom of little ones suddenly feel lighter just by the simple act of having been seen by this complete stranger. 

Have you ever experienced something like that? I think seeing and being seen would BE the change needed in the world to stop the loneliness, isolation and anger that drives people to commit violent acts or take lives including their own. As you join me today, I want you to seriously consider if you think you can help me in this effort?

In 2017 I posted to Facebook these words: “What would it be like if we all SAW each other. Instead of walking down the street and ignoring other people or avoiding eye contact, what if we truly looked into everyone's eyes and wordlessly said I see you! I see you momma with those young kids and their incessant needs. I see you homeless person who is hungry and has given away the last of their dignity to hold up a sign on a corner. I see you person who is new. I see you person who is crying. I see you person who is arguing with someone you know. I see you and I can't solve your problems or take them away, but I'll see them and carry a little of that weight with me in hopes it will make it the tiniest bit lighter for you. I see you. Thanks for seeing me too.”

What are your first thoughts as you hear that? Does it sound easy? Does it sound hard? Most times it is probably both. We worry how we will be received. We worry, the person does not want to be noticed. And maybe that’s true sometimes but I want to take you back to my first story- even if we are inclined to hide, having been seen is so validating. We used to live in Tucson, Arizona and because of the mild winters there were a lot of homeless people around. Have you had the experience of being stopped at a stop light with a homeless person on the corner? Do you look away? Do you avoid their eyes? I try to see them. Even if I have nothing to give them, I try to meet their eyes and let them know they are seen and I feel for their situation. I try to give them a compassionate smile. 

One of the responses I received to that Facebook post was from my sister-in-law, Amberlee. She replied, “This is so inspirational! It seems our world has forgotten this very basic concept. Wouldn't it be great if we all took a step back to really understand and withhold all judgment. Our energy is all connected and even sending love and compassion through our thoughts I believe can be felt by others. Thanks for sharing.”

I love that response- It would be great if we all took a step back to really understand and withhold all judgment!

Sister Jean B. Bingham said in the October 2016 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, “One of the most significant ways we can develop and demonstrate love for our neighbor is through being generous in our thoughts and words. Some years ago a cherished friend noted, “The greatest form of charity may be to withhold judgment.”4 That is still true today. (1)

in 2015, Inside Edition highlighted special education teacher, Chris Ulmer, who “starts each morning a little different than most educators. He takes the time to compliment each and every one of his students at Mainspring Academy in Jacksonville, Florida.” It talks about the difference that makes in the lives of his students. (2) These individuals are doing the service of seeing people.

I have a unique job where I get to meet one-on-one with people who come for counseling and invite me into the space of seeing them. I feel like it is a sacred experience to be invited in like that. I have the opportunity to allow my clients to share all their dirt and not be rejected or judged because of it. Doesn't that sound like something we'd want to bring into our every day lives?

We've used the Reading for All Learners beginner readers to help our kids learn to read and the first few books just have a few words that are repeated over and over and one of the phrases is see me. SEE ME! See me? Over and over. How many of us are giving out that cry? 

Are you taking the time to SEE and RECOGNIZE the people around you? Do you give the gift of withholding judgment? Do you share the burdens you see just a little?

I invite you to make this a practice. Try to SEE someone today. Let them know you see them by a compassionate smile, a word of encouragement or praise, or a kind gesture.  

Works Cited:

1 ://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2016/10/i-will-bring-the-light-of-the-gospel-into-my-home?lang=eng

2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UZ_lWr028o

When you feel like Every Parent Should Know How to Help Their Child- Yet You Don't

Do you ever feel like you should have all the answers? Maybe as a leader, or a parent, or a teacher, or in receiving revelation? I know I have.

            A recent time I was really struggling was a few years ago when my youngest child as a toddler had special needs- he wouldn't let me leave him anywhere. My husband didn't believe there was something ACTUALLY wrong with him because it wasn’t severe, but it was crippling for me. I felt like I couldn't get a job to help support us through my husband’s PhD. I couldn’t leave him with a babysitter. Nursery was absolutely not happening despite valiant efforts on my part and the part of an incredible nursery leader! This made fulfilling my calling on Sundays in the Relief Society Presidency extremely difficult. My daughter was also struggling at this point with anxiety that was showing up in a few different ways. And you guys, I have a degree in this! I felt like, as their mom AND as a mental health professional, I SHOULD be able to help them or at least know what to do. But I didn't! And I didn't know where to turn. I shared my concerns with others I regularly interacted with and finally with their pediatrician who was able to point us to resources. And guess what, the people at those resources didn't know what to do either. But we explored solutions together and discovered that one of the things we were dealing with was Sensory Processing Disorder! It was a long process but it was so validating and helpful to finally have an explanation and reason for what was going on. That would not have been possible if I hadn't talked about our struggles and admitted that I did not have all the answers. And guess what!? None of us have all the answers! Zero. And that's okay. I would really love you all to say "I don't have all the answers, and it's okay!!" The big secret is, we're not supposed to have all the answers. Sometimes I feel like God intentionally gives pieces of the puzzle to a few people who he brings together to be able to see the big picture--because he does not want us to have to struggle alone.

           
As member's of Christ's restored church, we sometimes feel like if God gives us a responsibility or calling, we should have the answers we need to fulfill that responsibility. We feel like he will just endow us with all the know-how we'll need or give us direct revelation for everything. Sometimes he will do that and he is certainly capable of doing that, but good revelation is based on good information as President Nelson so beautifully taught us when he was called to be the Prophet. We have access to information, people, and resources in an incredible way in this time-period with knowledge being shared instantly around the world.

            Every parent needs help knowing how to help their children. Every married person needs help knowing how to help their spouse or how to even be married. Every member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints needs help learning how to access God and live the gospel. Every leader needs help knowing how to lead. This is why we routinely have trainings and conferences. This learning can only happen as we meekly admit that we don't have all the answers.  

            So some of you may be thinking, but what about the whole revelation/answers from heaven piece. And we don't want to miss that vital piece. Well, revelation and answers often come as we COUNSEL with others. Unless we have a conversation about the myriad of things I have experience with, you may not know I have information and resources to share about those things. YOU might have information about a myriad of things I am needing information or guidance on and I won't know that until I start having conversations or seeking that information. And here is the piece on revelation- God will help us know WHO to talk with or WHERE to seek out the information we are looking for. Has this ever happened to you? You are pondering a question and someone comes to mind or you have the thought to listen to a certain podcast or conference talk. Or you have the thought to go to a certain event where there's a certain person who knows exactly what resources you need?

            One of the reasons we have struggles is so we learn how to help others who may go through something similar. And one of the reasons we are given responsibilities- within the church or as a parent or employee or leader- is to learn and grow. We're not supposed to have all the answers.

            I was able to get help and support for my children. I had people helping me muddle through the possibilities until we figured out what was going on. I had actionable steps and tools to use to help them and find my life again! It wasn't all about what they were struggling with anymore. And I wasn't feeling so alone or overwhelmed anymore.

            So my challenge for you today is Find Your Help! Open your mouth and talk about your experience and problem- not with the intent for sympathy or to complain (maybe that's a bonus) but with the intent to figure out who you need to talk to. Search the internet. Search the library. Search podcasts. Youtube. We live in an age of information sharing and someone out there is having an experience like you and has made a breakthrough! Pray to find those people! Search to find those people. And along the road, you just may have the blessing of being that person for someone else. 

If you are already on the other side of some trials, which I think applies to all of us, be open about those as you feel able to do so. I promise as you do, it will bless those around you. You will have deeper and fuller relationships and even if you don’t feel like you have any answers, just talking about the experience can help others not feel so alone. 

Reyna Aburto has said, "when we open up about our emotional challenges, admitting we are not perfect, we give others permission to share their struggles. Together we realize there is hope and we do not have to suffer alone."(1)

1. Reyna I. Aburto. Thru cloud and sunshine, lord, abide with me! The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Retrieved June 14, 2022, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/10/31aburto?lang=eng

3 Things Anyone Can Do To Help People Who Are Struggling

Ever wonder what you can actually do to help someone who is struggling? Here are three effective things you can do right now that will help even more than any skill I can teach you -without any training on your part- but maybe a touch of courage:

1- Share Your Struggles

Admitting YOU struggle literally lifts a weight off both you and those around you. Think about a time someone shared a struggle you’ve been having. How did that feel to hear you weren’t the only one? Even if it’s not the same struggle you’ve been having, isn’t it comforting to know that others struggle too? It invites others to share! It gives people permission to feel how they are feeling. It helps people know we can struggle and we can still be okay! Did I sell you on that yet? We need to share. We do not need “to have it all together” whatever that even means. We’re not supposed to! We are here to struggle. Period. So why do we hide this? Why don’t we give ourselves and others permission to live in and through the struggle?

If you are struggling to show up as the mom you want to be and sometimes “losing it” with your kids, talk about that. If you are struggling to like or enjoy being a mom or dad, talk about it. If you are struggling with enjoying your scripture study, talk about that. If you are struggling with the desire to go to church, share! If you are having a hard time in your marriage, talk about it! If you struggle with anxiety, talk about that. If you struggle with depression or regret, talk about it. If you don’t know how to help a child or a spouse or a friend, talk about it.

What does that look like? In Sunday School you could say “I can really relate to Moses here because I do not know how to help my daughter or my spouse right now and I really need to spend that time with the Lord to feel His support and strength.”

In Testimony Meeting you could say “I’m starting to feel my depression on the rise again and I worry what that is going to mean for me over the next weeks and months but I know that God is good and I have a testimony of his great plan and perfect love.”

When you are out with your friends you could say “I’m not loving reading the scriptures right now, anyone else ever feel this way?” Or “I’m struggling in my marriage right now and I really appreciate our time together to just have a break from all that.”

When you are with your kids you could say “I’ve been having a hard time feeling good lately and feel kind of weighed down and just wanted you to know that and know it’s okay to feel like that and if I ever seem distracted or sad it’s not because of you in any way. YOU are one of the best parts of my life! If you ever feel some of these feelings, we can get through it together because that’s what families are for- we stick together okay?”

Start small and work up to the bigger shares because it IS a little scary. But can I tell you one moment of vulnerability like that will build bridges faster than 50 moments of being strong and “having it all together”- whatever that even means. It’s so important you guys!!

2- LISTEN

Provide that listening ear for people. Ask how people are doing and let them know that you are genuinely wondering and are willing to spend time just to listen. A roadblock to listening is feeling like we need to know what to say or we don’t want to give them any wrong advice but know this! All you have to do is validate them. Validation looks like “that’s a lot! I can understand why you are having a hard time!” or “I’ve never had to go through that and I’m really sorry you have to right now.” or “Given your perspective I can see why it feels that way!” Validation is not agreeing, teaching, correcting or anything more than this- you let them know that you hear them and based on their perspective it makes sense for them to be feeling what they’re feeling. How would it feel to be listened to in this way? Guess what my friends, you can also do this for yourself. We don’t have to constantly be correcting, redirecting, coaching or shaming our feelings. We can simply validate that- given our perspective, it makes sense to feel the way we do. So side-note there–but we also want to be looking out for ourselves!

3- Support

Let them know you’re around. You’re around if they need someone to vent to. You’re around if they would like a different perspective on the matter. You’re around if they want a distraction sometime. You’re around if they want to explore solutions. You can help them find resources if they’d like that. You’re there at any level they let you to be there. Can you do that? This does not mean you are the one solving their problems. This does not mean you take on their problems! They own their problems. You help hold them for a moment and then you give them back. You hold them for a moment and then give them another person or another resource that can help THEM to hold their problems. Or best of all, we encourage them to hand their weight over to the Savior who will trade our burdens for his, which is light and easy to carry.

Doesn’t that sound like the plan of our God? He organizes us into families, wards, stakes, communities and a worldwide Restored Church. We are stronger together and together we can!

We Have Been Called By God

God has chosen us as a people to share the good news of the Gospel with the world. What else do we have to share? Will they see us as distinct and different in happy ways? Can we be part of those who save–within our own families and beyond? People are literally dying out there right now. Hope is frail. It needs fuel. It needs you. 

Three years ago I felt called back to work to help those who are struggling yet STRUGGLING to find help. I heard the waitlist to get into the church’s Family Services at the time where I was living was 9-months- long. I KNEW that those people had already been struggling for MONTHS to finally have had the courage to reach out for help or to be finally noticed as needing help. It felt like sudden unrest or discontent with doing the same things- like my time for playgroups was over. I could not enjoy them in the same way suddenly. And feeling unrest with not using my degree when people needed my help. I had felt peace with that for years and then it was gone.

. 

This is happening everywhere right now. Our young people especially are struggling. Now I am feeling a need to shift more from counseling to coaching so I can reach more people without the big financial burden of one-on-one mental health counseling. This has felt like a silent pull and consistent ideas- it's frequently what occupies my idle thoughts. I can't turn from it because it's always before me in some way. I’m comforted by the prospect of being able to help more people faster, but I also realized it does not take a Mental Health Professional to support these people! YOU can learn the tools that will help your family, your friends, your stewardship within the church, and beyond into your communities. You can learn the tools that will also help YOU.

So how can we be an influence for good when we struggle day after day within our own families or sometimes within our own head or heart? I recently heard that the Lord loves effort. With each of us making small daily efforts, the compounding effect is huge!

We are all needed. We have been chosen to bless all the families of the Earth. We can be a happy people. We can be gentle, and long-suffering. We can look forward with faith and optimism knowing the Lord is on our side and he will consecrate our afflictions for our good and it will all work out according to his great and merciful plan. We can do this! We need YOU to be strong and we need ME to be strong. We need to ALL work on becoming stronger together.