Where to Focus on Hard Days

Last month we talked about being present, which was great for me while I was away on vacation with fun, engaging things to be involved in and PRESENT at. Now I’m home and I find myself wanting to shift away from being present now that I’m back to the quiet life and facing some challenges. Being present is SO MUCH HARDER in the midst of trials or negative emotions. So for others going through the hard stuff, I want to connect it to this month of taking responsibility. 

When we face the hard things, we need to shift our focus to the basics. We need to make sure we are looking out for our incredible bodies and our amazing Spirits. Ask yourself: 

• Am I getting enough sleep? 

• Am I praying? 

• Am I reading my scriptures? 

• Am I moving my body through exercise? 

• Am I connecting with other people? 

• Am I engaging in meaningful work? 

• Am I eating for nutrition? 

• Am I drinking enough water?

• Am I getting out?

Think about a time when you weren’t getting enough sleep, or didn’t have meaningful prayers, or weren’t reading your scriptures, or weren’t exercising, or weren’t connecting with other people or doing meaningful things with your time, or weren’t getting out or were just eating junk! How were you feeling? I know when I get off with more than a few of these, I   feel it. This past year, I’ve gotten better at some of these things- like exercise- and before that, I probably would have told you that not exercising doesn’t affect me. However, since being more regular with it, I notice when I haven’t been doing it! I feel it. On my trip, I wasn’t exercising and I FELT it! I felt restless. I felt like I had less energy. I didn’t feel productive or as proud of myself. :) It’s the same with all of these things. Not doing them affects us more than we realize. Also, you may have any different core things that YOU need to do every day. Those are the things to move your focus to on the harder days. Get the basics in! 

Greg McKeown, who wrote the excellent book, Essentialism, and who is also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints addresses this topic in his book. He says, “The best asset we have for making a contribution to the world is ourselves. If we underinvest in ourselves, and by that I mean our minds, our bodies, our spirits, we damage the very tool we need to make our highest contribution. One of the most common ways people damage this asset is through a lack of sleep.

Sleep is what allows us to operate at our highest level of contribution so that we can achieve more, in less time. By “protecting their asset”, they are able to go about their daily lives with a reserve of energy, creativity, and problem-solving ability to call upon when needed.” (1)

You’ll need to clear out some of the clutter in your life- the extra things that make you have to choose between them and these basics! How many of you have heard the quote “If you don't have time to pray and read the scriptures, you are busier than God ever intended you to be.” (2) I found that quote attributed to Matthew Kelly, an author, speaker, and many things (see below for link to his bio). I think there’s a lot of truth to that. I feel like over the past 5+, our church leaders have been encouraging this back-to-the-basics life where we, as a recent bishop I had said, make what many of us refer to as “the primary answers” of primary importance, rather than secondary to some other lower pursuit.” (Bishop Adam McDonald of the Valencia Ward of the Tucson South Stake).

Some days are harder than others. On those harder days, we’ve got to shift our priorities and be gentler with ourselves. We need to find space to take care of the basics- getting sleep, eating nourishing food, drinking water, praying, reading the scriptures, meaningfully connecting with others, getting out, and perhaps doing something with our time that is meaningful in some way. On those days we really need to allow ourselves to get rid of the excess. Those things that drain our time and energy and keep us from choosing the things that are needful. Getting the basics in help us stay afloat, even in the midst of our difficult days.

1. Essentialism by Greg McKeown: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18077875-essentialism

2. About Matthew Kelly: https://www.matthewkelly.com/about

Psalms FHE: Make Your Own Psalm

 Make Your Own Psalm

We had so much fun putting phrases from Psalms together to write our own for FHE last night!

I copied a few dozen phrases I had marked in my reading this week and printed off a few copies, then cut them into strips and let my kids choose what phrases they wanted to use in writing out their own Psalm. It was SO fun, some of us did 2! I was a little surprised how much my kids (12, 10, 6) embraced it. We glued them onto cardstock using white liquid glue.

The printable file is here. It was SO fun, some of us did 2! These phrases are from Psalms 1-36.

The Tragedy at Rayad

Today I'm going to share a favorite story, the Tragedy at RAYAD. Before I share the story, I will tell you that RAYAD is actually an acronym for Righteous Active Youth Aren’t Deceived! This story, shared by Ardeth G. Kapp, former president of the General Young Women's Organization, has, I hope, kept me from being deceived from time to time by the cunning and craftiness of the great pretender and imitator, Satan--the unoriginal but good-at-what-he-does tempter who thinks he can do things better than God. This story has a similar message to C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters but is much more accessible for a younger audience.

So without further ado, I give you,

The Tragedy at Rayad

Once upon a time there was a little kingdom called Rayad. The tiny people who inhabited this kingdom were called Rayadites. They lived happily, sharing and caring about each other. Life was good to them.
There were only a few things they needed to watch out for; for instance, chocolate cake or wearing the color red. If any Rayadite ever ate chocolate cake or wore red, his spirit would become weakened and he would care less and less about himself and the rules of the kingdom.

Also living in this tiny kingdom was Zynock, an evil person who wanted to destroy the kingdom and all of the people in it. He hated for them to be happy and loving, for that made it harder for him to influence them. He knew what weakened their spirits and made them easier to capture. But Zynock also knew that he could not just offer the Rayadites chocolate cake and have them devour it ‑ they were not that foolish! Nor could he make the most wonderful garment in bright red and expect them to wear it immediately. The Rayadites wanted to be good and strong. They had promised each other that they would help and strengthen each other in times of need. So how could Zynock weaken this people? How could he get them to succumb to him so that he could destroy them and thus the whole kingdom?

“Let's see,” he said, “I can't get them to eat chocolate cake right off, but maybe I can get them to develop a taste for chocolate.”

That's when chocolate chip cookies were introduced to the kingdom of Rayad. At first the cookies were ignored and scoffed at. Then some commercials and billboards were produced that showed handsome, wonderful‑looking Rayadites eating chocolate chip cookies. And nothing happened to them, except they became more popular and sophisticated ‑ at least that's what the message conveyed on the screens and billboards. It wasn't long before a few Rayadites could be seen eating a chocolate chip cookie every now and then, and they seemed to be doing fine. They were still loving and caring and hadn't changed at all ‑ so it seemed. So more and more Rayadites began eating the cookies. What they didn't realize was that the portion of chocolate chips in each cookie had been doubled. They were getting a double dose of chocolate, disguised in the cookie. You'd hear phrases like these: "That cookie is really good except for a couple of places where it tastes pretty chocolaty. But don't miss the cookie just for those two places. It's too good a cookie, and you can overlook the taste." "I heard that one of our friends has eaten a chocolate chip cookie and she says it's nothing to be afraid of. It won't ruin your life if you eat it."

That was true. Lives didn't seem to be ruined by chocolate chip cookies. Things were pretty much the same as usual. However, some of the teachers and leaders and parents in Rayad suggested avoiding the cookies because tastes for chocolate were being developed.

"Avoid the cookies?" came the cries of surprise. "What for? What's wrong with them? They're not chocolate cake! How stuffy can you get?"

Some who refused to eat the cookies were even laughed at and made fun of. Zynock himself started chuckling. He had no idea his plan would work so well. And Zynock was patient. He didn't care how long it took to destroy Rayad, just so it was destroyed.

Chocolate chip cookies seemed to be moving pretty well. Zynock didn't worry about the words of caution and counsel from the leaders, because his commercials and billboards were so exciting and enticing. He had to make them that way, or the truth of the leaders would have swayed the Rayadites away from the cookies.

Now it came time to introduce a new product of destruction. No, not chocolate cake, not quite yet. Rather Zynock began advertising spice cake, white cake, yellow cake, carrot cake, any kind of cake but chocolate ‑ but all with chocolate frosting, rich chocolate frosting. More commercials, billboards, a few songs to hum and sing all day about how wonderful chocolate cake would be, although they're not eating it ‑ yet! Get them thinking about it before they will actually succumb.

Then in the kingdom of Rayad you could hear:

"Have you tried that yellow cake with chocolate frosting?"

"Well, no. Is it good?"

"Oh yes! Granted it is chocolaty but it's not chocolate cake. And it really doesn't have much more chocolate than those cookies we've been eating!"

"But the cake doesn't seem right. I mean, cookies are one thing, but cake?"

“Ah, come on! The important thing is the chocolate, and this is no more than you've already been eating. Everybody's eating it. You can't pass it up and be the only one left out."

In the meantime, the songs were subtly strumming away in the background, singing praises of chocolate cake. Right, the words were not good, but the beat and the rhythm were so cool that many Rayads listened just for the music. After all, what can music do?

Zynock began thinking again: "One thing that strengthens those Rayadites is when they are together talking to each other. What can I do about that?" Then he reasoned, "Well, it's all right for them to be together. In fact, maybe there is some way I could use their gatherings and parties for my purposes. Aha! I've got it!"

So the parties in Rayad began changing. Instead of the Rayadites talking to each other and playing games so they could get to know one another and share their strengths and talents, a new trend began. Everyone who was anyone had the new kinds of parties.

"Have you been to a party at our Rayad friend's place yet?"

"No, I haven't."

"You should go. It's really cool!"

"Oh? What do you do?"

"Well, it isn't like any other party you've been to. It's pretty cool. All you do is go and sit down and watch stuff on the screen."

"Stuff on the screen? Like what?"

"Oh, exciting, scary stuff that's pretty good. There are a few scenes showing people eating chocolate cake, but no biggy.”

“People eating chocolate cake? But…”

“Oh, it’s not bad, and besides, there’s nothing anymore without a little bit of that. It's just fun to get together with your friends."

So Zynock stood back and watched his plot unfold. "Let's see now. They're eating chocolate and they're eating cake. They're listening to songs and watching movies about chocolate cake. They're becoming weaker and weaker, although they're not even aware of it yet because they haven't actually eaten chocolate cake. They talk about it, make jokes about it, but they haven't eaten it ‑ yet! They are falling into my trap! They think their leaders and parents are square and stuffy. It's very helpful when their friends tell them what I want them to hear. Friends are my greatest asset!"

"Hey!" says a friend Rayadite, "Have you seen the latest movie? It shows people eating chocolate cake, but no 'biggy'."

"People eating chocolate cake? But..."

"Oh, it's not bad, and besides, there's nothing anymore without a little.”

"No," comes the response. "I thought it was C‑rated, for chocolate."

"No, it isn't. It's R‑rated for Red. There's no chocolate in it."

And so Zynock continues his plotting ‑ this time a gorgeous garment, but not in red...yet. It's a luscious pink color...

This story is an excerpt from the book I Walk By Faith, by Ardeth G. Kapp:       https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/1831775.Walk_by_Faith

Image credit 

3 Tips For Quieting Your Mind

Last night I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and as happens on some nights, my mind started going and going. I was thinking about all the things going on in my life. I was thinking about the things that were going to be happening in the future. And I was also replaying things from the past. Maybe a quarter of all of this thinking was productive thinking. The other 3/4 was not helpful at all! All of the worrying. All of the debating. All of the rehashing. So why do our brains do this? It often happens when we’re laying in bed trying to fall asleep, right? For me, it’s probably because I haven’t been giving my brain processing time to do this during the day when I am better able to direct my thoughts. It’s waited for a quiet moment.. A moment with no distractions. My brain must think this is necessary for my survival or it wouldn’t do this. Personally, brain, I think sleep is more important than this time rehashing or worrying. So how do I bring my brain to that quiet place where sleep can come? 

Here’s three tricks!

First, ask yourself questions about the present moment such as What do I hear, see, or feel right now? or What did I eat for breakfast today? or Where do I see the color blue? Simple questions like this have the ability to shift your focus away fromf your thoughts.  

Have you ever heard the mind quieting trick of “give the dog a bone”? This references a yippy dog that just keeps yapping away until you give it something to chew on. Once they have a bone or something to focus their attention on, they quiet right down! This is the second trick. Our brains need the same thing sometimes. In Roald Dahl’s book, The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar, which is being made into a movie by Netflix, by the way, there’s a story about a man who learns to see without using his eyes. He begins his journey with a flickering candle flame. He tries over and over to be able to focus his mind on the flickering flame and builds up to the point where he can clear his mind and concentrate for extended periods of time. Something like a flickering flame or also in the book, picturing a loved one’s face. Picturing something that brings a positive emotion to your mind makes the time spent doubly effective. The “bone” can be a leaf fluttering in the wind, a bar of soap, a smooth ball or marble, falling water, a favorite childhood spot, or anything!. Let your mind mentally focus on something distinct and if your thoughts wander, keep bringing them back.   

all

The third trick for getting out of your head is moving into your body. Wiggle your toes, relax your shoulders, flex and then release some of your big muscle systems like your sitting muscles, back muscles or arms and legs, notice where you are feeling tight, notice where you in contact with a surface, notice the areas where you don’t feel any tension, stress, or temperature and try to bring that feeling out to the rest of your body. Notice your breath moving in and out. Relax your face muscles. Do a progressive muscle relaxation meditation. There are thousands of guided meditations available online. One easy place to find them is on Youtube. A free app with some guided meditations I can recommend is called Sanvello and I’ll link it in the show notes. 

 

In summary, our brains like to ruminate and process. Our brains like to worry and prepare. And our brains are not the boss of us, we are the boss of our brains. If we want to be sleeping or if we want to still our mind, we can. Three ways for doing that are to ask yourself questions about the present moment such as What do I hear, see, or feel right now? Or direct your thoughts to something innate- a person, place or thing you are familiar with and direct your attention and thoughts to that one thing- turning and returning your thoughts as needed. Lastly, you can move from being in your head to being in your body- think about what’s going on inside you. Think about relaxing into sleep. Think about where your body is and how it feels. Find a neutral spot in your body and try to spread that feeling wider. 

Remind our brains that although thinking is useful and helpful, right now it’s time to be still. There will be another time for thinking. 

I hope those are usable tips and they can work for you with a little practice!

The 10-Second Anxiety Hack: Breathing to Calm

Our breathing can function as an on-off switch for anxiety or fight, flight or freeze. Isn’t that amazing! I think it is SO amazing!

Take a moment and place one hand on your upper chest and one hand on the middle of your belly and notice which hand moves when you breathe. Go ahead and do this exercise. Take a few breaths. Which hand moved the most?

If you are in rest and digest mode, you should see your bottom hand, the one on your belly, moving the most. If you are in an anxious or hyper-arousal state, the upper hand, the one on your chest, will be the one moving the most. Chest breathing is shallow and generally more rapid. It triggers stress hormones in your body and sends the signal to your brain that something is wrong. Belly breathing, or diaphragmatic breathing, sends the opposite signal and allows the happy-producing hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin as well as allowing our bodies to heal, relax, and digest. To get technical for a minute here for some of our listeners who want to know the nitty-gritty of it all, you may have heard of the vagus nerve. Psychology Today’s Article, Longer Exhalations Are an Easy Way to Hack Your Vagus Nerve which I’ll link to in the show notes says the following: The vagus nerve is the longest nerve in the human body and facilitates a constant psychophysiological dialogue between your mind, brain, and body. Most importantly, in terms of coping with anxiety, the vagus nerve is the commander-in-chief of the inhibitory parasympathetic nervous system (the rest and digest mode) which counterbalances excitatory "fight-or-flight" stress responses to maintain homeostasis and grace under pressure. Psychophysiologists have identified that slow, deep diaphragmatic breathing triggers a relaxation response by secreting a “vagus substance” (also known as acetylcholine) into the bloodstream. Acetylcholine is a self-produced tranquilizer that works to squelch anxiety and distress, also known as bad stress. 

Isn’t it amazing that our bodies were designed so perfectly? We have the ability to move to quick action to preserve our lives and we also have the ability to create these natural tranquilizers that override stress. A way we can do that is to make a conscious effort to breathe to that lower hand. 

Does that blow your mind that the way we breath can determine how much stress we feel? I used to be a notorious chest breather. It has taken some time and awareness to switch my “default” breathing down to my belly. It’s easiest to feel where your breath is when you’re lying down so a great place to practice is as you’re trying to fall asleep. Whenever I feel stressed, I try to notice where my breathing sits and make that effort to move it back down to my belly.

An article on healthline reports: “Diaphragmatic breathing has a ton of benefits. It’s at the center of the practice of meditation, which is known to help manage the symptoms of conditions as wide-ranging as irritable bowel syndrome, depression and anxiety, and sleeplessness.”

It continues, saying-

Here are more benefits this type of breathing can have:

• It lowers your heart rate.

• It helps lower your blood pressure.

• It improves your body’s ability to tolerate intense exercise. 

• It helps you relax and reduces stress, lowering the harmful effects of the stress hormone cortisol on your body such as keeping your immune system from working at full capacity and making you more susceptible to numerous conditions. Over time, long-term or chronic stress — even from seemingly minor inconveniences like traffic — can lead to anxiety or depression.” (1)

So many benefits, right!! That type of breathing again, is called “belly breathing” or diaphramatic breathing. 

The second hack, my 10-second anxiety hack, is also with the breath and this is a simple counting technique. So if you simply exhale for a longer time than you inhale, that sends the immediate message to your brain to relax. So if you inhale for 4 seconds, try to exhale for 6 or 8 seconds and do this for 3-5 breaths. Inhale for 4, exhale for 6 or 8. Pause this and give it a try! This is a calming breath. Did you try it? Do you feel calmer already? As I teach this to clients, they ALWAYS say they feel calmer. You can also reverse this for an energizing breath, but that is not the focus of today’s topic. Some imagery you can use to help you envision this type of breathing is think about singing, blowing a pinwheel or blowing bubbles. These things require that slower, sustained exhale. No wonder kids generally are less stressed, right? They’re always doing those things. 

So you don’t have to just take my word for all this, Christopher Bergland shares the following story: He says, “I first learned about the vagus nerve and vagusstoff as a young tennis player being coached by my late father, Richard Bergland, who was a neurosurgeon, neuroscientist, and author of The Fabric of Mind. Because my dad had to maintain “grace under pressure” during life-or-death brain operations and as a competitive tennis player, he kept a variety of psychophysiological tricks up his sleeve that he'd use to keep his nervous system regulated by consciously engaging his vagus nerve…

As a neuroscience-based tennis coach, my dad taught me how to use “vagal maneuvers” such as taking one deep diaphragmatic inhale, followed by one long, slow exhale as I relaxed the back of my eyes and bounced the ball methodically four times before every serve. This belly breathing and ball-bouncing ritual helped me stay calm and grounded while playing stressful tennis matches. Notably, the vagus techniques I mastered on the tennis court have always helped me stay calm, cool, and collected whenever I face daunting challenges or terrifying situations off the court, too.

Anytime the “fight, flight, or freeze” stress response of the sympathetic nervous system is unbridled and running wild, it’s easy to lose your ability to think clearly. Luckily, simply by taking a deep breath followed by a long, slow exhale you can harness your vagus nerve and release a dose of acetylcholine on demand.” (2)

Isn't it amazing that our breathing can function as an on-off switch for anxiety or fight, flight or freeze. Simply by moving our breathing down to our belly, also known as belly breathing or diaphramatic breathing, we engage the vagus response and trigger the relaxation mode known as rest and digest. Also, by lengthening our exhale, we similarly communicate that we have no need of the hyper-arousal state and can move right to calm. By finding a time to incorporate this into your daily schedule, you will experience more peace and calm in your life. You can take a deep breath every time you wash your hands or practice for 2 minutes as you get in or before you get out of your bed each day. Or you can do it before or after meals. Find a time that will work for you and try to make this a daily practice so when those moments of anxiety or stress come, your body will be able to easily get back to calm.

1. https://www.healthline.com/health/diaphragmatic-breathing#benefits

2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201905/longer-exhalations-are-easy-way-hack-your-vagus-nerve

The Rise of Anxiety Among the Young

This past fall I crawled into the tent I was sharing with my daughter, my niece and nephew and my nephew was fast asleep but the girls were still up chatting. This was my 2nd or 3rd time tenting with these two and it was not uncommon for them to be up late chatting. This time, however, their conversation was different. They were talking about REAL LIFE struggles instead of the usual light chatter. They related that my niece had told my daughter she’d been struggling at school a lot with anxiety! My daughter had told her about my job and tried to teach her the trick I’m going to teach you today. I loved that they were having that conversation and especially that my daughter had actually sort-of listened as I have tried to teach her this cool trick.

Over the rest of our trip, I spent some time teaching my niece a few of the shortcuts to success that I love for anxiety and was reviewing them with her while we were in the hot tub on one of our last days. My nephew came in and asked what in the world we were talking about so we told him and he said he actually feels a lot of anxiety too sometimes! It made me wonder how many kids would agree that they are actually struggling with anxiety sometimes too! Would it be the majority? Would it be half? 

This camping trip was a week or so after our Ward Primary Program and I’m in the Primary Presidency, so was heavily involved with the program. It was the first in 2 years because we weren’t attending together in 2020. The kids weren’t as used to the programs and some have a hard time with it regardless, but I was sad to see SO many REALLY struggle with feelings of apprehension or even anxiety about participating or being in front of the congregation or even just their peers. But it makes me wonder, again- How many would admit that they struggle with anxiety too??

I know I have also shared that my daughter struggles with anxiety. 

The picture this illuminates for me is alarming. Anxiety is on the rise and our young people are experiencing it in a very real way! A definition I read for anxiety from a New York Times Article entitled,  “Why Are More Teenagers Than Ever Suffering From Severe Anxiety?, states that anxiety is simply ”The overestimation of danger and the underestimation of our ability to cope.(1) So what can we do about this other pandemic, the pandemic of anxiety? I hope to teach you some of my shortcuts so that you can use them and teach them too!

So first, does fight, flight or freeze sound familiar to you? This is what kicks in when our brain is in emergency mode. We enter a hyper-alert state where we are ready to jump immediately into action solving for an immediate threat. But people are spending more and more time in this hyper-arousal state, which is meant to be only for true emergencies. Like forgetting our homework? Or a change in our routine? Or running late? Are these true emergencies? Our brains seem to think so these days. Our bodies get flooded with stress hormones which prep us for action. This takes us out of thinking mode and moves us into doing mode. It takes our focus and energy away from healing, relaxation, digestion, and higher thought. It is the opposite of rest and digest. It is the opposite of contentment and peace. That hyper-arousal state is exhausting and difficult to maintain outside of the rare, occasional times it is meant for. Hopefully this can inform why kids come home from school sometimes exhausted or why they are sometimes misbehaving in class. 

Anxiety is on the rise. Our brains are misconstruing everyday minor stressors as major emergencies, triggering fight, flight or freeze mode to kick in. We can start questioning our thinking. Try asking yourself this question- Will this matter tomorrow? or even, Will this matter in a month or a in a year? These questions can help us override fight, flight or freeze mode. Later this week, I'll also share my two favorite hacks for switching over to rest and digest mode.

1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201905/longer-exhalations-are-easy-way-hack-your-vagus-nerve

Can I Get a Validation Please?

Have any of you seen the Youtube video called Validation by Kurt Kuenne from 2015 with over ten million views? It begins with people lining up for parking validation in a parking garage and instead of just validating their ticket stub, the character takes his job of validation literally and validates each person in line, saying things like,

“You. You are awesome!...Someday people are going to see you for what you really are. You are great!”

and

“You work so hard! What you do is so important!”

The people being validated are always so surprised, returning his compliments with “Really? You really think so?” or things like  “That’s so good to hear. Most times I feel like people don’t recognize that.” Check it out!!

Isn't that the best?!

A Healthline Article gives this great insight, “Support doesn’t require you to fully understand a problem or provide a solution. Often, it involves nothing more than validation. When you validate someone, you’re letting them know you see and understand their perspective.” ((healthline link)) As I've mentioned previously, validation is not agreeing, teaching, correcting or anything more than simply letting someone be heard. It could change a life which could have far-reaching ripples.

One practice we have in our home for validation is when we begin our weekly Family Council, we start it off with Positive Feedback and recognize each other or demonstrate that we SEE each other and recognize efforts and positive activities by each person throughout the week. I LOVE seeing my kids recognizing each other, having them routinely giving us an extra thank you for the things we do for them, and having that space where they are used to us highlighting their triumphs.

So many are simply seeking validation. Let's try to notice this in the people around us and take the step to validate when we feel able to do so.