Self-Compassion, Concepts from Jody Moore

I’m excited about what I have to share! I hope it’s something that can change your life! As with most of the things I share, these things have changed my life!

Today’s resource is Jody Moore. I talk about her often! She shares so many good things! She has a podcast called Better Than Happy. She also has a group coaching program and does a lot with thought work and empowering members of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and beyond to take responsibility for their story, for their life. She teaches so many good things that help people to do that. Today I’m going to share 2. And these aren’t little things I’m going to share. These are BIG things! 

The first one I call “tip the ladder.” I don’t remember if she calls it that or if that’s just me. :) So picture a giant ladder leaning up against a giant house or a giant tree. We’re in the middle of this ladder. We can look up and see people above us on the ladder. Quite a few people up there. We can look down and we see a few people down there too. Looking at the people above us can be motivating but often makes us feel behind or inadequate. Looking at the people below us makes us feel better about our progress or where we are. We feel okay with where we are in relation to them. At least we’re not at the bottom. At least there are people below me. The people above us are the people we admire. The people we aspire to be someday. The people who sometimes make us feel small and like we’ll never reach where they are. The people we feel are better than us or ahead of us in life in some way. The people below us are people we feel ahead of in life somehow. The people we feel haven’t made it to where we are yet and maybe they never will. Now I want you to think- is this ladder helpful? Does it help us to see people above us to motivate us and use people below us to feel good about ourselves and like we’ve made some progress? It SEEMS helpful sometimes. Let me share something that is MORE helpful! So I kinda gave it away in the title, but we’re going to gently-since there’s people on the ladder-, we’re going to gently tip the ladder so it’s resting on the ground. Maybe it’s up off the ground a little so the people can stand inside the squares.

Can you picture it? This ladder extends forever! There are people in every square as far as the eye can see. We all have our little space and we’re all level with each other! We’re all on the same level. There’s no one ahead or behind. We’re all equal. Our worth is constant. Our worth came with us. There is nothing we can do to increase or decrease our place on the ladder. We can’t lose our spot. We were born. We are human. We have immense worth! Every single person. You. Me. The people you placed ahead or behind you. Your family members. The people in the criminal justice system. The people without a home. The people without a job. The people making millions. We are all equal. We all have immense worth. We are human. We are divine. We are loved. We are redeemed.

So what do you think? Are you buying into this? Some people have a really hard time accepting that they are equal with everyone else in the ladder. What about all the hard work I’ve put in? They may ask. What about all the mistakes I’ve made? Someone else might ask. What about how I’m a contributing member of society and and and.. It CAN be a hard concept. But it is a BEAUTIFUL concept. I still remember exactly where I was when I heard this from Jody Moore. It was in a podcast episode and I was getting off the freeway coming home from somewhere in Tucson. I was struck! My worth is constant! There is no one ahead of me or behind me. We all have immense worth! The things we do may change our experience in this life- getting a college degree allows me to more easily get a job and provide the things I need for my home and family. If someone makes a lot of mistakes, it will make THEIR experience more difficult. So we can do things to change our experience or how life is for us, but no mistake and no accomplishment can touch our immense worth. It is constant. Now if that doesn’t help you with your self-compassion, I’m not sure what could!! I just love that. Tip the ladder my friends!!

The next one, which can be equally powerful is the 50/50 concept. Some of you are familiar with Jody Moore already so hopefully you are familiar with this concept. It was another concept that really changed my perspective. The 50/50 concept teaches that life has balance. Everything tends to come into balance in life. The good, the bad. The opportunities, the disappointments. The times we show up exactly how we want to, the times we don’t. We expect things to be wonderful probably 95% of the time. This differs for different people of course- perfectionists expect 100% OR MORE, pessimists might expect much less. But generally, we have a very unrealistic view of how well things should be or how often we should be amazing and our lives filled with the amazing! The reality is around 50% of the time. Right? This is a gospel principle- opposition in all things. We experience the bad so we can know and appreciate the good. We’re here to learn about opposites. So what happens when we are expecting things to be wonderful 95% of the time and they are in reality good about 50% of the time? ……

Do you think you’ll be feeling a lot of disappointment in life and maybe in yourself and your capabilities? It might sound like Why can’t I say the right thing? Why do I get so upset? Why do I make mistakes? Why do my relationships fall apart? 

Do you think you’ll be feeling disappointment in others if you’re expecting 95% and getting closer to 50? This might sound like Why can’t they show up on time? Why did they say that? Why don’t they answer? How could they forget? 

What about disappointment or dissatisfaction with God? This could sound like, Why isn’t he blessing me like he should? Why isn’t he answering my prayers? Why are so many bad things happening to me? Where is he?

So having a more realistic view- reigning in our expectations a bit, can be really useful! If we recognize life is going to have a balance, we don’t have to be so surprised when the bad or less than ideal things continue to pop up. A way Jody Moore says this when something not ideal happens is “Well there’s one for THAT 50!” I’ve tried to use this myself- “There’s one for that 50” and then hope the next thing will be on the positive side of the 50/50. 

So in my mind, we’d want our positive expectations to be in the 75-80% range. We expect things to go well 75-80% of the time. We don’t want to expect that life is going to be horrible half the time. But we don’t want to be so surprised IF IT DOES go wrong 50% of the time. We want to understand there’s a balance. So HOPE for good and WORK for good and then understand that there’s usually balance. 

So how do these two things aid us in using self-compassion? 

Tip the ladder shows us our worth is constant and nothing we do can touch that. It shows us that our experience in the moment may be impacted but that we are still a valid and valuable individual. It takes away that element of comparison and needing people above or below us on the imaginary ladder. Can you imagine a life without comparison? It can be SO freeing my friends!! If we can let go of judging ourselves, we’re so much more successful in letting go of judging others. We are all innately AMAZING. God has created us and we’re amazing! Can we be compassionate with ourselves? Can we give ourselves a break? Can we support ourselves through the tough times of our experience?

The 50/50 principle teaches us that half the time we may make mistakes. Half the time we may go through the hard moments. It teaches us that we can reduce or let go of unrealistic expectations. This sure helps me be more compassionate with myself. Half the time I’m going to need to be supportive and loving of myself. I’m sure going to get a lot of practice going through this life! 

Let’s be there for ourselves. God is always there for us but sometimes it’s hard to feel Him. WE are our constant companion so there’s no one better to be our support and cheerleader.

Jody Moore, life coach and graduate of the Life Coach School with Brooke Castillo has several helpful tools and resources that can help us be more compassionate with ourselves. You can find her at jodymoore.com or check out her podcast, Better Than Happy.

We’re amazing! We’re divine! The things we do may influence our experience or our opportunities, but never our worth!

I hope you’ll continue to work on improving your self-compassion long after this month and this episode are over. 

Love you my friends! You’re amazing and your worth is constant!

Taking 100 Percent Responsibility

Today I am sharing highlights from Lynn G. Robbins’ BYU Address, Taking 100 Percent Responsibility. 

He speaks about agency and how it can get twisted by Satan and illustrates a few ways we are tempted to shift out of taking responsibility for our own outcomes and happiness.

Introducing his topic, he says, “The Book of Mormon teaches us that we are agents to “act . . . and not to be acted upon” (2 Nephi 2:26)—or to be “free to act for [our]selves” (2 Nephi 10:23). This freedom of choice was not a gift of partial agency but of complete and total 100 percent agency. It was absolute in the sense that the One Perfect Parent never forces His children. He shows us the way and may even command us, but, “nevertheless, thou mayest choose for thyself, for it is given unto thee” (Moses 3:17).

Assuming responsibility and being accountable for our choices are agency’s complementary principles (see D&C 101:78). Responsibility is to recognize ourselves as being the cause for the effects or results of our choices—good or bad. On the negative side, it is to always own up to the consequences of poor choices.”

Elder Robbins then shares 2 strategies or tactics Satan uses that we can find CLEARLY in the Book of Mormon as introduced by Korihor- the Antichrist and Nehor. 

The Korihor Principle—Separating Agency from Responsibility

The Korihor Principle can looks like this: Every man seeks after their own Gods. People can make their own rules. If I’m smart enough to get ahead somehow, it doesn’t matter who is impacted along the way. If I can take it by being stronger or smarter, it belongs to me. If it benefits US, it doesn’t matter what the implications are. Everything goes. This is the self-deception we talked about from the Arbinger Institute books in Episode 4 of this podcast–We see others as objects or obstacles. We see our needs as more valid than others’ needs- the rights’ of others as lesser than our own- for example a mother’s right to an abortion being greater than a child’s right to life or a person’s right to enter a store with covid-19 as more valid than the rights of others who may be immunocompromised. This is choosing to see what we want to see and choosing to believe what we want to believe. In this view, no greater authority is authorized to rule and there is no common indisputable law. In the words of Elder Christofferson, (that obedience to God’s laws and ordinances is “bondage.”3

In the words of Elder Robbins, “When the world separates choice from accountability, it leads to anarchy and a war of wills or survival of the fittest… We read in the book of Alma “that every man conquered according to his strength; and whatsoever a man did was no crime” (Alma 30:17; emphasis added). With negative consequences removed, you now have agency unbridled, as if there were no day of reckoning.”

Does that sound fun? Everyone stomping on everyone else to get to the top? Kind of the opposite of Christ or being a Christian which is easy to remember when we call Korihor the anti-Christ. How much fun would it be to live in that kind of society? 

Elder Robbins goes on to discuss the second highly successful strategy- the Nehor Principle: 

The Nehor Principle—Denying Justice

“If Satan is not successful in fully separating agency from responsibility, one of his backup schemes is to dull or minimize feelings of ­responsibility—what we could call the Nehor principle, also found in the book of Alma: “That all mankind should be saved at the last day, and that they need not fear nor tremble . . . ; for the Lord had created all men, and had also redeemed all men; and, in the end, all men should have eternal life” (Alma 1:4).

What an attractive offer for those who seek happiness in wickedness! (He continues) The Nehor principle depends entirely on mercy and denies justice… Denying justice is a twin of avoiding responsibility. They are essentially the same thing. A common strategy of each Book of Mormon anti-Christ was to separate agency from responsibility. “Eat, drink, and be merry; nevertheless, fear God—he will justify in committing a little sin” (2 Nephi 28:8).”

Nehor is mentioned as a person so briefly in the Book of Mormon but he was the first to introduce priestcraft and that one man was responsible for SO MUCH destruction in the Book of Mormon. The Amalekites and Amulonites were after the Order of Nehor and if you remember a few of their stories you will quickly see how devastating these practices are!

Elder Robbins says, “Faith without works, mercy without justice, and agency without responsibility are all different verses of the same seductive and damning song. With each, the natural man rejects accountability in an attempt to sedate his conscience… The path parades a guilt-free journey to ­salvation but is, in reality, a cleverly disguised detour to destruction (see 3 Nephi 14:13).

Agency without responsibility is one of the foremost anti-Christ doctrines—very cunning in its nature and very destructive in its results.”

Our agency must include the acknowledgement of our responsibility. In Elder Christopherson’s BYU Address entitled Moral Agency, we read that this is why we no longer use the term free agency. It is not free of responsibility or consequence.(3) 

So let’s shift gears and get to the story he shares that demonstrates so well how easy it is to shift responsibility and how prolific the results of taking responsibility! 

100 Percent Responsibility in the Distribution Center

In 1983 a few partners and I started a new ­company that taught time-management seminars and created and sold day planners.

For corporate seminars, we sent our consultants to the client’s headquarters, where they taught at the corporate training facilities. Prior to the seminar, two employees in our distribution center would prepare and ship several boxes of training materials, such as the day planners, binders, and forms. Also included was a participant’s seminar guidebook of around a hundred pages with quotes, fill-in-the blanks, graphs, and illustrations.

The two distribution center employees would normally send the seminar shipment ten days before the seminar. At the time that the following incident occurred, we were teaching around 250 seminars each month. With so many seminar shipments, these two employees would often commit errors, such as not shipping sufficient quantities or omitting certain materials or not shipping on time. This became an irritating and often embarrassing frustration for the consultants.

When these problems occurred, the seminar division would file a complaint with me, as the distribution center was one of my responsibilities. When I spoke with these two employees about errors and system improvements, they never wanted to accept responsibility for the errors. They would blame others, saying things like, “It’s not our fault. The seminar division filled out the Seminar Supplies Request form incorrectly, and we sent the shipment exactly according to their specifications. It’s their fault. You can’t blame us!” Or they might say, “We shipped it on time, but the freight company delivered it late. You can’t blame us!” Another excuse was, “The binder subsidiary packaged the individual seminar kits with errors, and we shipped the kits as they were given to us. It’s their fault.” It seemed these two employees were never responsible for the errors, and so the errors continued.

Then something critical happened. The director of training for a large multinational corporation attended one of our seminars and was so thrilled with it that she invited us to teach a pilot seminar to its fifty or so top executives. On the day of the seminar, our consultant arrived and opened the boxes of materials and discovered that the seminar guidebooks were missing. Without the seminar guidebooks, how would the participants follow along and take notes? Their training director was panic-stricken. Our consultant did the best he could by making sure each participant was given a pad of paper on which to take notes throughout the day, and the seminar turned out reasonably well, even without the guidebooks.

Extremely embarrassed and angry, their training director called our seminar division and said, “You will never teach here again! How could you have made such an embarrassing and inexcusable error with our pilot seminar?”

An upset senior vice president of our seminar division called me and said, “This is the last straw. We are about to lose a million-dollar account because of the distribution center’s errors. We simply can’t tolerate any more errors!”

As one of the owners of the company, I couldn’t tolerate such errors either. At the same time, I did not want to see these two breadwinners fired. After pondering possible solutions, I decided to implement an incentive system to motivate these two men to be more careful. For each seminar shipped correctly, they would receive one additional dollar, or a possibility of an extra $250 each month—hopefully enough to focus their attention on quality. However, if they made one error, a one-dollar penalty wasn’t much of a loss. I therefore decided to also include two $100 bonuses for no errors. With the first error they not only lost one dollar but also the first $100 bonus. If they made a second error, they lost the second $100 bonus.

I also told these employees, “If there is an error, you will lose your bonus, regardless of where that error originates. You are 100 percent responsible for that shipment.”

“Well, that’s not fair,” they responded. “What happens if the seminar division fills out the Seminar Supplies Request form incorrectly and, not knowing, we send the shipment with ‘their’ errors?”

I said, “You will lose your bonus. You are 100 percent responsible for that shipment’s success.”

“That’s not fair! What happens if we send the shipment on time but the freight company delivers it late?”

“You will lose your bonus. You are 100 percent responsible.”

“That’s not fair! What happens if the binder division commits errors in prepackaging the individual seminar kits? You can’t blame us for their mistakes!”

“You will lose your bonus,” I once again responded. “You are 100 percent responsible for that shipment’s success. Do you understand?”

“That isn’t fair!!”

“Well, it may not seem fair, but that’s life. You will lose your bonus.”

What I did was eliminate the anti-­responsibility list as an option for them. They now understood that they could no longer blame others, make excuses, or justify errors—even when they were right and it was someone else’s fault!

What happened next was fascinating to observe. When they would receive an order from the seminar division, they would call the seminar division to review the form item by item. They took responsibility for correcting any errors committed by the seminar division. They began to read the freight company’s documents to make sure the correct delivery date was entered. They began to mark the cardboard shipping boxes “one of seven,” “two of seven,” etc., with each box’s contents written on the outside of the box. They began sending shipments three or four days ­earlier than they had in their previous routine. A few days before the seminar they would call the client company to verify receipt of the shipment and the contents. If they had somehow omitted any materials, they had three or four extra days now to send missing items by express shipment. Errors finally stopped happening, and the employees began to earn their bonuses month after month. It was a life-changing experience for them to learn firsthand the power, control, and reward of being 100 percent responsible.

What these two employees learned is that when they blamed someone else, they were surrendering control of the shipment’s success to ­others—such as the seminar division or the freight company. They learned that excuses keep you from taking control of your life. They learned that it is self-defeating to blame others, make excuses, or justify mistakes—even when you are right! The moment you do any of these self-defeating things, you lose control over the positive outcomes you are seeking in life.

 He follows this with another story about a wife given the impression from the Spirit after a disagreement with her husband of “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?” 

He says, “In the story, this sister learned that even if she may have been right and it was her husband’s fault, blaming him was counterproductive, causing her to lose control over positive outcomes. She also discovered that there is power and control in the expression “I’m sorry” when it is used with love unfeigned and empathy—not merely to excuse ourselves.”

Ok, the final thing I just HAVE to share from this address is a helpful insight from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland about granting forgiveness to others. He says,

“Please don’t ask if it is fair. . . . When it comes to our own sins, we don’t ask for justice. What we plead for is mercy—and that is what we must be willing to give.

Can we see the tragic irony of not granting to others what we need so badly ourselves?10”

So in summary, first from Elder Robbins and then from me, he says “In summary, being 100 percent responsible is accepting yourself as the person in control of your life. If others are at fault and need to change before further progress is made, then you are at their mercy and they are in control over the positive outcomes or desired results in your life.” 

In the therapy world, this is called having an internal locus of control. We believe that we are responsible for our own success, outcomes and consequences as opposed to attributing them to luck, fate, or other people. It is taking action along with just praying for the best. Don’t let Satan or your brain tell you otherwise. If you’d like to take a little quiz to see whether you are operating with an internal or external locus of control you can visit the mindtools link below. (4) 

You, my friend, are a mighty force for good in your own life and in the lives of those around you! Now go make things happen! 

1. Christofferson, T. D. (2021, March 15). Moral Agency - D. Todd Christofferson. BYU Speeches. Retrieved August 25, 2022, from https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/d-todd-christofferson/moral-agency/

2. Renlund, D. G. (2022, August 3). Trust God and Let Him Prevail. Churchofjesuschrist.Org. Retrieved August 23, 2022, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/2022/08/03_trust-god-and-let-him-prevail?lang=eng

3. Robbins, L. G. (2021, November 1). Be 100 Percent Responsible | Lynn G. Robbins. BYU Speeches. Retrieved August 23, 2022, from https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/lynn-g-robbins/be-100-percent-responsible/

4. Mind Tools. (2022, August 15). Locus of Control - Career Development from MindTools.com. Retrieved August 25, 2022, from https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newCDV_90.htm

Episode 4 of Help? With Ashley Jaggi: https://rss.com/podcasts/ashleyjaggi/530569/

An Easy Way to Gain Clarity in How You Want to Spend Your Time!

We are here on Earth to fill the measure of our creation- men are that they might have joy (2 Nephi 2:25), which FULNESS of joy comes through obtaining exaltation! 

Today I am sharing an exercise you can do that can help you do a bit of an inventory of your life and how to make sure the things you are doing are in line with your values and are things you actually WANT to be doing since the theme of this month is taking responsibility. In Doctrine and Covenants 58:27, Heavenly Father instructs, “Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves.” 

Of this idea, President Ezra Taft Benson said, “Usually the Lord gives us the overall objectives to be accomplished and some guidelines to follow, but he expects us to work out most of the details and methods.” (1) For example, we are given the objective to teach our children see (Mosiah 4:14–15)(D&C 68:25, 28), but it doesn’t tell us how to accomplish that. And we’re supposed to provide for our families and a guideline is to do honest work but we are usually supposed to work out the details and methods for doing that as well. So we have some objectives, but it is up to us to work out the details and methods. 

I’m excited to share another favorite exercise I have my clients do! The first place I encountered this exercise was in Marshall Rosenburg’s book entitled Nonviolent Communication, which is another excellent read. He states that this exercise has “significantly enlarged the pool of joy and happiness available to my life, while diminishing depression, guilt and shame.” (3) He believes our choices should be intentional and self-driven rather than driven by fear, guilt, shame, duty or obligation. This exercise helps us see what the motive or driving force behind the things we choose to do are and it also helps us to decide what changes we need to or may want to make. Here is the exercise as described by Marshall Rosenburg in an article he wrote entitled "Don't Do Anything That Isn't Play!" 

Translating Have to, to Choose to 

Step 1: 

What do you do in your life that you don’t experience as playful? List on a piece of paper all those things that you tell yourself you have to do. List any activity you dread but do anyway because you perceive yourself to have no choice. When I first reviewed my own list, just seeing how long it was gave me insight as to why so much of my time was spent not enjoying life. I noticed how many ordinary, daily things I was doing by tricking myself into believing that I had to do them. The first item on my list was “write clinical reports.” I hated writing these reports, yet I was spending at least an hour of agony over them every day. My second item was “drive the children’s car pool to school.” 

Step 2 After completing your list, clearly acknowledge to yourself that you are doing these things because you choose to do them, not because you have to. Insert the words “I choose to . . . ” in front of each item you listed. I recall my own resistance to this step. “Writing clinical reports,” I insisted to myself, “is not something I choose to do! I have to do it. I’m a clinical psychologist. I have to write these reports.” 

Step 3 After having acknowledged that you choose to do a particular activity, get in touch with the intention behind your choice by completing the statement, I choose to . . . because I want . . . . At first I fumbled to identify what I wanted from writing clinical reports. I had already determined, several months earlier, that the reports did not serve my clients enough to justify the time they were taking, so why was I continuing to invest so much energy in their preparation? Finally I realized that I was choosing to write the reports solely because I wanted the income they provided. As soon as I recognized this, I never wrote another clinical report. I can’t tell you how joyful I feel just thinking of how many clinical reports I haven’t written since that moment thirty-five years ago! When I realized that money was my primary motivation, I immediately saw that I could find other ways to take care of myself financially, and that in fact, I’d rather scavenge in garbage cans for food than write another clinical report. The next item on my list of unjoyful tasks was driving the children to school. When I examined the reason behind that chore, however, I felt appreciation for the benefits my children received from attending their school. They could easily walk to the neighborhood school, but their own school was far more in harmony with my educational values. I continued to drive, but with a different energy; instead of “Oh, darn, I have to drive the car pool today,” I was conscious of my purpose, which was for my children to have a quality of education that was very dear to me. Of course I sometimes needed to remind myself two or three times during the drive to refocus my mind on what purpose my action was serving. As you explore the statement, “I choose to . . . because I want . . . ,” you may discover — as I did with the children’s car pool — the important values behind the choices you’ve made.” (2) 

Isn’t that so powerful?? We cross out “I have to” and replace it with "I choose to …because." I love the two examples he shares and how he demonstrates the decision to remove things or keep them with clarity and a new perspective. Dreaded tasks or have to’s can be eliminated if they aren’t glorifying God, bringing us joy, or serving a purpose in line with our values OR dreaded tasks or have to’s can be turned to choose to’s... because or even get to’s when we understand the reasons behind our choices. 

I like to take it one step further and add in the choose not to’s. Think about something you would like to be doing or something someone else or society says you should be doing and figure out your reasons you’re NOT doing those things. If you’re choosing not to go to bed on time or not to homeschool your children or not to drink coffee or have sex outside of marriage, what is your because? Do you like your reasons? Do you need to find better reasons? Can you bring any from external reasons like so and so says I should or asked me to to internal reasons- why are you really doing it? And do you want to change any choose not to’s to a choose TO? 

 I really believe this exercise can bring a lot of clarity and help us to become agents who act rather than individuals being acted upon. We begin to fully take responsibility for our choices and begin fully using the divine gift of agency we’ve been given. 

So in summary, we are eternal beings with divinely appointed objectives that are meant to bring us great joy! We have the gift of agency and God intends for us to use that to seek out the joy He offers us. We can look at the responsibilities we have taken on in our lives and the ways we spend our time and evaluate if they are in-line with our values and objectives through writing down everything we “have to” do and taking responsibility for those things by changing them to “choose to’s” and writing down what we hope to gain or why we are doing those things. If we don’t like our reasons, we can consider other ways to meet our needs or spend our time. Clarity about our reasons can help us find joy in what we are doing, even if the task is distasteful or unpleasant. 

So get to work and see if this can work for you. May you find joy and clarity in the things you do this week! 

1. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/58.26-29?lang=eng#p26 Benson, E. T. (n.d.). Chapter 3: Freedom of Choice, an Eternal Principle. Www.Churchofjesuschrist.Org. Retrieved August 16, 2022, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/teachings-of-presidents-of-the-church-ezra-taft-benson/chapter-3-freedom-of-choice-an-eternal-principle?lang=eng 
2. Rosenberg, M. B. Don’t Do Anything That Isn’t Play! PuddleDancer Press, www.Nonviolentcommunication.Com. Retrieved August 16, 2022, from https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/resources/articles-about-nvc/dont-do-anything-that-isnt-play/Family Proclamation https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng

Make the Harder Choice Easier!

 In my last post, I talked about needing to get in the basics. How do we make it easier to choose those things when there are options that have so much more appeal?

Imagine with me- think of a favorite go-to pastime of yours and  now compare it against a dreaded must-do chore. Read a book or clean the floors, sit and eat a cookie or fold the laundry If that’s your choice, you’re putting an easy against a hard so choosing the hard option is going to be really, really hard. It’s like the late-night choice of watch another episode or go get ready for bed. Which are we more likely to choose given that easy-hard choice. 

So how do we bring our options into balance? 

We have to prep for success. If we get ready for bed before we sit down to watch the show it makes the choice watch another episode or go to bed. That’s a more balanced easy-easy choice.  

To take it a step further, we can make it easy to choose the harder option by making the easy option hard. For example- using the same choice- to make watching another episode HARD we could put a timer on the wifi so it shuts off at 10:30 or 11 pm every night. Then getting another episode going becomes harder than just going to bed because we’d have to go override the timer, wait for the wifi to kick-in again and the show to load. So if the choice is do all that or go to bed it switches it to a hard-easy choice. If it’s eating junk, don’t buy it when you’re at the store and then the choice between eating something nourishing and eating the yummy junk can be an easy-hard where to eat that you’d have to go out and get it. Prepping the healthy food ahead also makes that an easier choice. 

So try to set up your life to make the need-to’s the easy choice. Today I was thinking about exercise and had the choice to hit the treadmill or do a work-out video. I didn’t want to do either but my choice wasn’t treadmill or not exercise so I was able to think of exercise that sounded more enticing- I found some youtube line dance videos to dance along to as a change for a lower-mood day. To get my morning prayers in, I used to have the choice between stopping everything to get in a prayer-if I remembered- or moving on with my morning- now I’ve made the choice- stay in bed and say morning prayer or get up and start the day. It’s an easy-hard. I enjoy that time kneeling in my bed under my covers praying before getting up! Find ways to make the choice easy! 

What if we started prioritizing our needs? 

Brooke Snow from the Brooke Snow Podcast said the following,

“The Lord knows we have need of these things. Your physiology comes before your psychology. Take care of your body and you’ll have an easier time taking care of your mind…Do all you can to take care of those basics for you and for your family every day. Is there some area in those basic needs that you can optimize? Can you work on getting more sleep or better sleep? Can you work on getting more real nourishing food into your diet? Can you work on moving your body in a way that connects you to yourself or connects you to heaven and to earth? Watch how it naturally prepares the way for those other needs to come into place! When you’ve taken care of your body you create space to receive the other needs in your life. Those needs of love and belonging and optimally being your best self. There’s wisdom in order.  By small and simple things are great things brought to pass. Imagine your life taking care of your body first so you can take better care of your mind.”

Our physiology comes before our psychology. As a therapist, we are trained to ALWAYS, ALWAYS rule-out any medical problems that may be manifesting as mental health problems or medications that may be causing symptoms, etc. Physiology before psychology.

So what if we took responsibility for our own lives and made any changes we feel are needed. What if doing these basic things became the easy choice for us?

We can prepare ahead to make the harder choices easier and the easier choices harder. We can try to bring more balance to our choices so we’re not defaulting to the path of least resistance or the biggest dopamine hit. We want to avoid making these basic needs a hard option that is going to be really, really hard and instead make our fun options with no reward a little harder. Because again, taking care of ourselves is the best investment we can ever make and allows us to then make our biggest contribution in every worthy endeavor we pursue including our family, our community, our work and our church endeavors. 

May even your hard days be filled with good things! 

Where to Focus on Hard Days

Last month we talked about being present, which was great for me while I was away on vacation with fun, engaging things to be involved in and PRESENT at. Now I’m home and I find myself wanting to shift away from being present now that I’m back to the quiet life and facing some challenges. Being present is SO MUCH HARDER in the midst of trials or negative emotions. So for others going through the hard stuff, I want to connect it to this month of taking responsibility. 

When we face the hard things, we need to shift our focus to the basics. We need to make sure we are looking out for our incredible bodies and our amazing Spirits. Ask yourself: 

• Am I getting enough sleep? 

• Am I praying? 

• Am I reading my scriptures? 

• Am I moving my body through exercise? 

• Am I connecting with other people? 

• Am I engaging in meaningful work? 

• Am I eating for nutrition? 

• Am I drinking enough water?

• Am I getting out?

Think about a time when you weren’t getting enough sleep, or didn’t have meaningful prayers, or weren’t reading your scriptures, or weren’t exercising, or weren’t connecting with other people or doing meaningful things with your time, or weren’t getting out or were just eating junk! How were you feeling? I know when I get off with more than a few of these, I   feel it. This past year, I’ve gotten better at some of these things- like exercise- and before that, I probably would have told you that not exercising doesn’t affect me. However, since being more regular with it, I notice when I haven’t been doing it! I feel it. On my trip, I wasn’t exercising and I FELT it! I felt restless. I felt like I had less energy. I didn’t feel productive or as proud of myself. :) It’s the same with all of these things. Not doing them affects us more than we realize. Also, you may have any different core things that YOU need to do every day. Those are the things to move your focus to on the harder days. Get the basics in! 

Greg McKeown, who wrote the excellent book, Essentialism, and who is also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints addresses this topic in his book. He says, “The best asset we have for making a contribution to the world is ourselves. If we underinvest in ourselves, and by that I mean our minds, our bodies, our spirits, we damage the very tool we need to make our highest contribution. One of the most common ways people damage this asset is through a lack of sleep.

Sleep is what allows us to operate at our highest level of contribution so that we can achieve more, in less time. By “protecting their asset”, they are able to go about their daily lives with a reserve of energy, creativity, and problem-solving ability to call upon when needed.” (1)

You’ll need to clear out some of the clutter in your life- the extra things that make you have to choose between them and these basics! How many of you have heard the quote “If you don't have time to pray and read the scriptures, you are busier than God ever intended you to be.” (2) I found that quote attributed to Matthew Kelly, an author, speaker, and many things (see below for link to his bio). I think there’s a lot of truth to that. I feel like over the past 5+, our church leaders have been encouraging this back-to-the-basics life where we, as a recent bishop I had said, make what many of us refer to as “the primary answers” of primary importance, rather than secondary to some other lower pursuit.” (Bishop Adam McDonald of the Valencia Ward of the Tucson South Stake).

Some days are harder than others. On those harder days, we’ve got to shift our priorities and be gentler with ourselves. We need to find space to take care of the basics- getting sleep, eating nourishing food, drinking water, praying, reading the scriptures, meaningfully connecting with others, getting out, and perhaps doing something with our time that is meaningful in some way. On those days we really need to allow ourselves to get rid of the excess. Those things that drain our time and energy and keep us from choosing the things that are needful. Getting the basics in help us stay afloat, even in the midst of our difficult days.

1. Essentialism by Greg McKeown: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18077875-essentialism

2. About Matthew Kelly: https://www.matthewkelly.com/about

Psalms FHE: Make Your Own Psalm

 Make Your Own Psalm

We had so much fun putting phrases from Psalms together to write our own for FHE last night!

I copied a few dozen phrases I had marked in my reading this week and printed off a few copies, then cut them into strips and let my kids choose what phrases they wanted to use in writing out their own Psalm. It was SO fun, some of us did 2! I was a little surprised how much my kids (12, 10, 6) embraced it. We glued them onto cardstock using white liquid glue.

The printable file is here. It was SO fun, some of us did 2! These phrases are from Psalms 1-36.

The Tragedy at Rayad

Today I'm going to share a favorite story, the Tragedy at RAYAD. Before I share the story, I will tell you that RAYAD is actually an acronym for Righteous Active Youth Aren’t Deceived! This story, shared by Ardeth G. Kapp, former president of the General Young Women's Organization, has, I hope, kept me from being deceived from time to time by the cunning and craftiness of the great pretender and imitator, Satan--the unoriginal but good-at-what-he-does tempter who thinks he can do things better than God. This story has a similar message to C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters but is much more accessible for a younger audience.

So without further ado, I give you,

The Tragedy at Rayad

Once upon a time there was a little kingdom called Rayad. The tiny people who inhabited this kingdom were called Rayadites. They lived happily, sharing and caring about each other. Life was good to them.
There were only a few things they needed to watch out for; for instance, chocolate cake or wearing the color red. If any Rayadite ever ate chocolate cake or wore red, his spirit would become weakened and he would care less and less about himself and the rules of the kingdom.

Also living in this tiny kingdom was Zynock, an evil person who wanted to destroy the kingdom and all of the people in it. He hated for them to be happy and loving, for that made it harder for him to influence them. He knew what weakened their spirits and made them easier to capture. But Zynock also knew that he could not just offer the Rayadites chocolate cake and have them devour it ‑ they were not that foolish! Nor could he make the most wonderful garment in bright red and expect them to wear it immediately. The Rayadites wanted to be good and strong. They had promised each other that they would help and strengthen each other in times of need. So how could Zynock weaken this people? How could he get them to succumb to him so that he could destroy them and thus the whole kingdom?

“Let's see,” he said, “I can't get them to eat chocolate cake right off, but maybe I can get them to develop a taste for chocolate.”

That's when chocolate chip cookies were introduced to the kingdom of Rayad. At first the cookies were ignored and scoffed at. Then some commercials and billboards were produced that showed handsome, wonderful‑looking Rayadites eating chocolate chip cookies. And nothing happened to them, except they became more popular and sophisticated ‑ at least that's what the message conveyed on the screens and billboards. It wasn't long before a few Rayadites could be seen eating a chocolate chip cookie every now and then, and they seemed to be doing fine. They were still loving and caring and hadn't changed at all ‑ so it seemed. So more and more Rayadites began eating the cookies. What they didn't realize was that the portion of chocolate chips in each cookie had been doubled. They were getting a double dose of chocolate, disguised in the cookie. You'd hear phrases like these: "That cookie is really good except for a couple of places where it tastes pretty chocolaty. But don't miss the cookie just for those two places. It's too good a cookie, and you can overlook the taste." "I heard that one of our friends has eaten a chocolate chip cookie and she says it's nothing to be afraid of. It won't ruin your life if you eat it."

That was true. Lives didn't seem to be ruined by chocolate chip cookies. Things were pretty much the same as usual. However, some of the teachers and leaders and parents in Rayad suggested avoiding the cookies because tastes for chocolate were being developed.

"Avoid the cookies?" came the cries of surprise. "What for? What's wrong with them? They're not chocolate cake! How stuffy can you get?"

Some who refused to eat the cookies were even laughed at and made fun of. Zynock himself started chuckling. He had no idea his plan would work so well. And Zynock was patient. He didn't care how long it took to destroy Rayad, just so it was destroyed.

Chocolate chip cookies seemed to be moving pretty well. Zynock didn't worry about the words of caution and counsel from the leaders, because his commercials and billboards were so exciting and enticing. He had to make them that way, or the truth of the leaders would have swayed the Rayadites away from the cookies.

Now it came time to introduce a new product of destruction. No, not chocolate cake, not quite yet. Rather Zynock began advertising spice cake, white cake, yellow cake, carrot cake, any kind of cake but chocolate ‑ but all with chocolate frosting, rich chocolate frosting. More commercials, billboards, a few songs to hum and sing all day about how wonderful chocolate cake would be, although they're not eating it ‑ yet! Get them thinking about it before they will actually succumb.

Then in the kingdom of Rayad you could hear:

"Have you tried that yellow cake with chocolate frosting?"

"Well, no. Is it good?"

"Oh yes! Granted it is chocolaty but it's not chocolate cake. And it really doesn't have much more chocolate than those cookies we've been eating!"

"But the cake doesn't seem right. I mean, cookies are one thing, but cake?"

“Ah, come on! The important thing is the chocolate, and this is no more than you've already been eating. Everybody's eating it. You can't pass it up and be the only one left out."

In the meantime, the songs were subtly strumming away in the background, singing praises of chocolate cake. Right, the words were not good, but the beat and the rhythm were so cool that many Rayads listened just for the music. After all, what can music do?

Zynock began thinking again: "One thing that strengthens those Rayadites is when they are together talking to each other. What can I do about that?" Then he reasoned, "Well, it's all right for them to be together. In fact, maybe there is some way I could use their gatherings and parties for my purposes. Aha! I've got it!"

So the parties in Rayad began changing. Instead of the Rayadites talking to each other and playing games so they could get to know one another and share their strengths and talents, a new trend began. Everyone who was anyone had the new kinds of parties.

"Have you been to a party at our Rayad friend's place yet?"

"No, I haven't."

"You should go. It's really cool!"

"Oh? What do you do?"

"Well, it isn't like any other party you've been to. It's pretty cool. All you do is go and sit down and watch stuff on the screen."

"Stuff on the screen? Like what?"

"Oh, exciting, scary stuff that's pretty good. There are a few scenes showing people eating chocolate cake, but no biggy.”

“People eating chocolate cake? But…”

“Oh, it’s not bad, and besides, there’s nothing anymore without a little bit of that. It's just fun to get together with your friends."

So Zynock stood back and watched his plot unfold. "Let's see now. They're eating chocolate and they're eating cake. They're listening to songs and watching movies about chocolate cake. They're becoming weaker and weaker, although they're not even aware of it yet because they haven't actually eaten chocolate cake. They talk about it, make jokes about it, but they haven't eaten it ‑ yet! They are falling into my trap! They think their leaders and parents are square and stuffy. It's very helpful when their friends tell them what I want them to hear. Friends are my greatest asset!"

"Hey!" says a friend Rayadite, "Have you seen the latest movie? It shows people eating chocolate cake, but no 'biggy'."

"People eating chocolate cake? But..."

"Oh, it's not bad, and besides, there's nothing anymore without a little.”

"No," comes the response. "I thought it was C‑rated, for chocolate."

"No, it isn't. It's R‑rated for Red. There's no chocolate in it."

And so Zynock continues his plotting ‑ this time a gorgeous garment, but not in red...yet. It's a luscious pink color...

This story is an excerpt from the book I Walk By Faith, by Ardeth G. Kapp:       https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/1831775.Walk_by_Faith

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