3 Tips For Quieting Your Mind

Last night I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and as happens on some nights, my mind started going and going. I was thinking about all the things going on in my life. I was thinking about the things that were going to be happening in the future. And I was also replaying things from the past. Maybe a quarter of all of this thinking was productive thinking. The other 3/4 was not helpful at all! All of the worrying. All of the debating. All of the rehashing. So why do our brains do this? It often happens when we’re laying in bed trying to fall asleep, right? For me, it’s probably because I haven’t been giving my brain processing time to do this during the day when I am better able to direct my thoughts. It’s waited for a quiet moment.. A moment with no distractions. My brain must think this is necessary for my survival or it wouldn’t do this. Personally, brain, I think sleep is more important than this time rehashing or worrying. So how do I bring my brain to that quiet place where sleep can come? 

Here’s three tricks!

First, ask yourself questions about the present moment such as What do I hear, see, or feel right now? or What did I eat for breakfast today? or Where do I see the color blue? Simple questions like this have the ability to shift your focus away fromf your thoughts.  

Have you ever heard the mind quieting trick of “give the dog a bone”? This references a yippy dog that just keeps yapping away until you give it something to chew on. Once they have a bone or something to focus their attention on, they quiet right down! This is the second trick. Our brains need the same thing sometimes. In Roald Dahl’s book, The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar, which is being made into a movie by Netflix, by the way, there’s a story about a man who learns to see without using his eyes. He begins his journey with a flickering candle flame. He tries over and over to be able to focus his mind on the flickering flame and builds up to the point where he can clear his mind and concentrate for extended periods of time. Something like a flickering flame or also in the book, picturing a loved one’s face. Picturing something that brings a positive emotion to your mind makes the time spent doubly effective. The “bone” can be a leaf fluttering in the wind, a bar of soap, a smooth ball or marble, falling water, a favorite childhood spot, or anything!. Let your mind mentally focus on something distinct and if your thoughts wander, keep bringing them back.   

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The third trick for getting out of your head is moving into your body. Wiggle your toes, relax your shoulders, flex and then release some of your big muscle systems like your sitting muscles, back muscles or arms and legs, notice where you are feeling tight, notice where you in contact with a surface, notice the areas where you don’t feel any tension, stress, or temperature and try to bring that feeling out to the rest of your body. Notice your breath moving in and out. Relax your face muscles. Do a progressive muscle relaxation meditation. There are thousands of guided meditations available online. One easy place to find them is on Youtube. A free app with some guided meditations I can recommend is called Sanvello and I’ll link it in the show notes. 

 

In summary, our brains like to ruminate and process. Our brains like to worry and prepare. And our brains are not the boss of us, we are the boss of our brains. If we want to be sleeping or if we want to still our mind, we can. Three ways for doing that are to ask yourself questions about the present moment such as What do I hear, see, or feel right now? Or direct your thoughts to something innate- a person, place or thing you are familiar with and direct your attention and thoughts to that one thing- turning and returning your thoughts as needed. Lastly, you can move from being in your head to being in your body- think about what’s going on inside you. Think about relaxing into sleep. Think about where your body is and how it feels. Find a neutral spot in your body and try to spread that feeling wider. 

Remind our brains that although thinking is useful and helpful, right now it’s time to be still. There will be another time for thinking. 

I hope those are usable tips and they can work for you with a little practice!

The 10-Second Anxiety Hack: Breathing to Calm

Our breathing can function as an on-off switch for anxiety or fight, flight or freeze. Isn’t that amazing! I think it is SO amazing!

Take a moment and place one hand on your upper chest and one hand on the middle of your belly and notice which hand moves when you breathe. Go ahead and do this exercise. Take a few breaths. Which hand moved the most?

If you are in rest and digest mode, you should see your bottom hand, the one on your belly, moving the most. If you are in an anxious or hyper-arousal state, the upper hand, the one on your chest, will be the one moving the most. Chest breathing is shallow and generally more rapid. It triggers stress hormones in your body and sends the signal to your brain that something is wrong. Belly breathing, or diaphragmatic breathing, sends the opposite signal and allows the happy-producing hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin as well as allowing our bodies to heal, relax, and digest. To get technical for a minute here for some of our listeners who want to know the nitty-gritty of it all, you may have heard of the vagus nerve. Psychology Today’s Article, Longer Exhalations Are an Easy Way to Hack Your Vagus Nerve which I’ll link to in the show notes says the following: The vagus nerve is the longest nerve in the human body and facilitates a constant psychophysiological dialogue between your mind, brain, and body. Most importantly, in terms of coping with anxiety, the vagus nerve is the commander-in-chief of the inhibitory parasympathetic nervous system (the rest and digest mode) which counterbalances excitatory "fight-or-flight" stress responses to maintain homeostasis and grace under pressure. Psychophysiologists have identified that slow, deep diaphragmatic breathing triggers a relaxation response by secreting a “vagus substance” (also known as acetylcholine) into the bloodstream. Acetylcholine is a self-produced tranquilizer that works to squelch anxiety and distress, also known as bad stress. 

Isn’t it amazing that our bodies were designed so perfectly? We have the ability to move to quick action to preserve our lives and we also have the ability to create these natural tranquilizers that override stress. A way we can do that is to make a conscious effort to breathe to that lower hand. 

Does that blow your mind that the way we breath can determine how much stress we feel? I used to be a notorious chest breather. It has taken some time and awareness to switch my “default” breathing down to my belly. It’s easiest to feel where your breath is when you’re lying down so a great place to practice is as you’re trying to fall asleep. Whenever I feel stressed, I try to notice where my breathing sits and make that effort to move it back down to my belly.

An article on healthline reports: “Diaphragmatic breathing has a ton of benefits. It’s at the center of the practice of meditation, which is known to help manage the symptoms of conditions as wide-ranging as irritable bowel syndrome, depression and anxiety, and sleeplessness.”

It continues, saying-

Here are more benefits this type of breathing can have:

• It lowers your heart rate.

• It helps lower your blood pressure.

• It improves your body’s ability to tolerate intense exercise. 

• It helps you relax and reduces stress, lowering the harmful effects of the stress hormone cortisol on your body such as keeping your immune system from working at full capacity and making you more susceptible to numerous conditions. Over time, long-term or chronic stress — even from seemingly minor inconveniences like traffic — can lead to anxiety or depression.” (1)

So many benefits, right!! That type of breathing again, is called “belly breathing” or diaphramatic breathing. 

The second hack, my 10-second anxiety hack, is also with the breath and this is a simple counting technique. So if you simply exhale for a longer time than you inhale, that sends the immediate message to your brain to relax. So if you inhale for 4 seconds, try to exhale for 6 or 8 seconds and do this for 3-5 breaths. Inhale for 4, exhale for 6 or 8. Pause this and give it a try! This is a calming breath. Did you try it? Do you feel calmer already? As I teach this to clients, they ALWAYS say they feel calmer. You can also reverse this for an energizing breath, but that is not the focus of today’s topic. Some imagery you can use to help you envision this type of breathing is think about singing, blowing a pinwheel or blowing bubbles. These things require that slower, sustained exhale. No wonder kids generally are less stressed, right? They’re always doing those things. 

So you don’t have to just take my word for all this, Christopher Bergland shares the following story: He says, “I first learned about the vagus nerve and vagusstoff as a young tennis player being coached by my late father, Richard Bergland, who was a neurosurgeon, neuroscientist, and author of The Fabric of Mind. Because my dad had to maintain “grace under pressure” during life-or-death brain operations and as a competitive tennis player, he kept a variety of psychophysiological tricks up his sleeve that he'd use to keep his nervous system regulated by consciously engaging his vagus nerve…

As a neuroscience-based tennis coach, my dad taught me how to use “vagal maneuvers” such as taking one deep diaphragmatic inhale, followed by one long, slow exhale as I relaxed the back of my eyes and bounced the ball methodically four times before every serve. This belly breathing and ball-bouncing ritual helped me stay calm and grounded while playing stressful tennis matches. Notably, the vagus techniques I mastered on the tennis court have always helped me stay calm, cool, and collected whenever I face daunting challenges or terrifying situations off the court, too.

Anytime the “fight, flight, or freeze” stress response of the sympathetic nervous system is unbridled and running wild, it’s easy to lose your ability to think clearly. Luckily, simply by taking a deep breath followed by a long, slow exhale you can harness your vagus nerve and release a dose of acetylcholine on demand.” (2)

Isn't it amazing that our breathing can function as an on-off switch for anxiety or fight, flight or freeze. Simply by moving our breathing down to our belly, also known as belly breathing or diaphramatic breathing, we engage the vagus response and trigger the relaxation mode known as rest and digest. Also, by lengthening our exhale, we similarly communicate that we have no need of the hyper-arousal state and can move right to calm. By finding a time to incorporate this into your daily schedule, you will experience more peace and calm in your life. You can take a deep breath every time you wash your hands or practice for 2 minutes as you get in or before you get out of your bed each day. Or you can do it before or after meals. Find a time that will work for you and try to make this a daily practice so when those moments of anxiety or stress come, your body will be able to easily get back to calm.

1. https://www.healthline.com/health/diaphragmatic-breathing#benefits

2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201905/longer-exhalations-are-easy-way-hack-your-vagus-nerve

The Rise of Anxiety Among the Young

This past fall I crawled into the tent I was sharing with my daughter, my niece and nephew and my nephew was fast asleep but the girls were still up chatting. This was my 2nd or 3rd time tenting with these two and it was not uncommon for them to be up late chatting. This time, however, their conversation was different. They were talking about REAL LIFE struggles instead of the usual light chatter. They related that my niece had told my daughter she’d been struggling at school a lot with anxiety! My daughter had told her about my job and tried to teach her the trick I’m going to teach you today. I loved that they were having that conversation and especially that my daughter had actually sort-of listened as I have tried to teach her this cool trick.

Over the rest of our trip, I spent some time teaching my niece a few of the shortcuts to success that I love for anxiety and was reviewing them with her while we were in the hot tub on one of our last days. My nephew came in and asked what in the world we were talking about so we told him and he said he actually feels a lot of anxiety too sometimes! It made me wonder how many kids would agree that they are actually struggling with anxiety sometimes too! Would it be the majority? Would it be half? 

This camping trip was a week or so after our Ward Primary Program and I’m in the Primary Presidency, so was heavily involved with the program. It was the first in 2 years because we weren’t attending together in 2020. The kids weren’t as used to the programs and some have a hard time with it regardless, but I was sad to see SO many REALLY struggle with feelings of apprehension or even anxiety about participating or being in front of the congregation or even just their peers. But it makes me wonder, again- How many would admit that they struggle with anxiety too??

I know I have also shared that my daughter struggles with anxiety. 

The picture this illuminates for me is alarming. Anxiety is on the rise and our young people are experiencing it in a very real way! A definition I read for anxiety from a New York Times Article entitled,  “Why Are More Teenagers Than Ever Suffering From Severe Anxiety?, states that anxiety is simply ”The overestimation of danger and the underestimation of our ability to cope.(1) So what can we do about this other pandemic, the pandemic of anxiety? I hope to teach you some of my shortcuts so that you can use them and teach them too!

So first, does fight, flight or freeze sound familiar to you? This is what kicks in when our brain is in emergency mode. We enter a hyper-alert state where we are ready to jump immediately into action solving for an immediate threat. But people are spending more and more time in this hyper-arousal state, which is meant to be only for true emergencies. Like forgetting our homework? Or a change in our routine? Or running late? Are these true emergencies? Our brains seem to think so these days. Our bodies get flooded with stress hormones which prep us for action. This takes us out of thinking mode and moves us into doing mode. It takes our focus and energy away from healing, relaxation, digestion, and higher thought. It is the opposite of rest and digest. It is the opposite of contentment and peace. That hyper-arousal state is exhausting and difficult to maintain outside of the rare, occasional times it is meant for. Hopefully this can inform why kids come home from school sometimes exhausted or why they are sometimes misbehaving in class. 

Anxiety is on the rise. Our brains are misconstruing everyday minor stressors as major emergencies, triggering fight, flight or freeze mode to kick in. We can start questioning our thinking. Try asking yourself this question- Will this matter tomorrow? or even, Will this matter in a month or a in a year? These questions can help us override fight, flight or freeze mode. Later this week, I'll also share my two favorite hacks for switching over to rest and digest mode.

1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201905/longer-exhalations-are-easy-way-hack-your-vagus-nerve

Can I Get a Validation Please?

Have any of you seen the Youtube video called Validation by Kurt Kuenne from 2015 with over ten million views? It begins with people lining up for parking validation in a parking garage and instead of just validating their ticket stub, the character takes his job of validation literally and validates each person in line, saying things like,

“You. You are awesome!...Someday people are going to see you for what you really are. You are great!”

and

“You work so hard! What you do is so important!”

The people being validated are always so surprised, returning his compliments with “Really? You really think so?” or things like  “That’s so good to hear. Most times I feel like people don’t recognize that.” Check it out!!

Isn't that the best?!

A Healthline Article gives this great insight, “Support doesn’t require you to fully understand a problem or provide a solution. Often, it involves nothing more than validation. When you validate someone, you’re letting them know you see and understand their perspective.” ((healthline link)) As I've mentioned previously, validation is not agreeing, teaching, correcting or anything more than simply letting someone be heard. It could change a life which could have far-reaching ripples.

One practice we have in our home for validation is when we begin our weekly Family Council, we start it off with Positive Feedback and recognize each other or demonstrate that we SEE each other and recognize efforts and positive activities by each person throughout the week. I LOVE seeing my kids recognizing each other, having them routinely giving us an extra thank you for the things we do for them, and having that space where they are used to us highlighting their triumphs.

So many are simply seeking validation. Let's try to notice this in the people around us and take the step to validate when we feel able to do so.

Ever Feel Like No One SEES You?

Being a young mom with little kids was really hard for me. I loved it! But it was hard. Can anyone relate?

We moved out-of-state for grad school away from our whole support system- everyone we knew- and I had a 10-month-old and a 2-year-old. We moved again just over a year and a half later. Those days were hard. Those moves were hard. Upon arriving, I didn’t know the areas or anyone and felt isolated and stuck inside with two little kids. Not knowing anyone meant very few breaks. My husband at the time was in school and then in a demanding job. He was great to help out when he was home, but the days were long. In the midst of this time I read a blog post of a mom with older kids remembering those days- something similar to this post I found that says, 

“For you moms who are in the trenches with little ones, I See You, and I Remember How Hard it Was!”

She painted the picture of the daily struggles in a way that felt very real and extremely validating. And she gave encouragement similar to this in the same post, 

“Your babies will grow up. They will need you a little bit less. And you will someday get to gather your thoughts, think for yourself, and use your brain for things that you’re passionate about (outside of your family). (https://justhomemaking.com/tired-mom/)

Hearing those similar words back then made being that mom of little ones suddenly feel lighter just by the simple act of having been seen by this complete stranger. 

Have you ever experienced something like that? I think seeing and being seen would BE the change needed in the world to stop the loneliness, isolation and anger that drives people to commit violent acts or take lives including their own. As you join me today, I want you to seriously consider if you think you can help me in this effort?

In 2017 I posted to Facebook these words: “What would it be like if we all SAW each other. Instead of walking down the street and ignoring other people or avoiding eye contact, what if we truly looked into everyone's eyes and wordlessly said I see you! I see you momma with those young kids and their incessant needs. I see you homeless person who is hungry and has given away the last of their dignity to hold up a sign on a corner. I see you person who is new. I see you person who is crying. I see you person who is arguing with someone you know. I see you and I can't solve your problems or take them away, but I'll see them and carry a little of that weight with me in hopes it will make it the tiniest bit lighter for you. I see you. Thanks for seeing me too.”

What are your first thoughts as you hear that? Does it sound easy? Does it sound hard? Most times it is probably both. We worry how we will be received. We worry, the person does not want to be noticed. And maybe that’s true sometimes but I want to take you back to my first story- even if we are inclined to hide, having been seen is so validating. We used to live in Tucson, Arizona and because of the mild winters there were a lot of homeless people around. Have you had the experience of being stopped at a stop light with a homeless person on the corner? Do you look away? Do you avoid their eyes? I try to see them. Even if I have nothing to give them, I try to meet their eyes and let them know they are seen and I feel for their situation. I try to give them a compassionate smile. 

One of the responses I received to that Facebook post was from my sister-in-law, Amberlee. She replied, “This is so inspirational! It seems our world has forgotten this very basic concept. Wouldn't it be great if we all took a step back to really understand and withhold all judgment. Our energy is all connected and even sending love and compassion through our thoughts I believe can be felt by others. Thanks for sharing.”

I love that response- It would be great if we all took a step back to really understand and withhold all judgment!

Sister Jean B. Bingham said in the October 2016 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, “One of the most significant ways we can develop and demonstrate love for our neighbor is through being generous in our thoughts and words. Some years ago a cherished friend noted, “The greatest form of charity may be to withhold judgment.”4 That is still true today. (1)

in 2015, Inside Edition highlighted special education teacher, Chris Ulmer, who “starts each morning a little different than most educators. He takes the time to compliment each and every one of his students at Mainspring Academy in Jacksonville, Florida.” It talks about the difference that makes in the lives of his students. (2) These individuals are doing the service of seeing people.

I have a unique job where I get to meet one-on-one with people who come for counseling and invite me into the space of seeing them. I feel like it is a sacred experience to be invited in like that. I have the opportunity to allow my clients to share all their dirt and not be rejected or judged because of it. Doesn't that sound like something we'd want to bring into our every day lives?

We've used the Reading for All Learners beginner readers to help our kids learn to read and the first few books just have a few words that are repeated over and over and one of the phrases is see me. SEE ME! See me? Over and over. How many of us are giving out that cry? 

Are you taking the time to SEE and RECOGNIZE the people around you? Do you give the gift of withholding judgment? Do you share the burdens you see just a little?

I invite you to make this a practice. Try to SEE someone today. Let them know you see them by a compassionate smile, a word of encouragement or praise, or a kind gesture.  

Works Cited:

1 ://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2016/10/i-will-bring-the-light-of-the-gospel-into-my-home?lang=eng

2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UZ_lWr028o

When you feel like Every Parent Should Know How to Help Their Child- Yet You Don't

Do you ever feel like you should have all the answers? Maybe as a leader, or a parent, or a teacher, or in receiving revelation? I know I have.

            A recent time I was really struggling was a few years ago when my youngest child as a toddler had special needs- he wouldn't let me leave him anywhere. My husband didn't believe there was something ACTUALLY wrong with him because it wasn’t severe, but it was crippling for me. I felt like I couldn't get a job to help support us through my husband’s PhD. I couldn’t leave him with a babysitter. Nursery was absolutely not happening despite valiant efforts on my part and the part of an incredible nursery leader! This made fulfilling my calling on Sundays in the Relief Society Presidency extremely difficult. My daughter was also struggling at this point with anxiety that was showing up in a few different ways. And you guys, I have a degree in this! I felt like, as their mom AND as a mental health professional, I SHOULD be able to help them or at least know what to do. But I didn't! And I didn't know where to turn. I shared my concerns with others I regularly interacted with and finally with their pediatrician who was able to point us to resources. And guess what, the people at those resources didn't know what to do either. But we explored solutions together and discovered that one of the things we were dealing with was Sensory Processing Disorder! It was a long process but it was so validating and helpful to finally have an explanation and reason for what was going on. That would not have been possible if I hadn't talked about our struggles and admitted that I did not have all the answers. And guess what!? None of us have all the answers! Zero. And that's okay. I would really love you all to say "I don't have all the answers, and it's okay!!" The big secret is, we're not supposed to have all the answers. Sometimes I feel like God intentionally gives pieces of the puzzle to a few people who he brings together to be able to see the big picture--because he does not want us to have to struggle alone.

           
As member's of Christ's restored church, we sometimes feel like if God gives us a responsibility or calling, we should have the answers we need to fulfill that responsibility. We feel like he will just endow us with all the know-how we'll need or give us direct revelation for everything. Sometimes he will do that and he is certainly capable of doing that, but good revelation is based on good information as President Nelson so beautifully taught us when he was called to be the Prophet. We have access to information, people, and resources in an incredible way in this time-period with knowledge being shared instantly around the world.

            Every parent needs help knowing how to help their children. Every married person needs help knowing how to help their spouse or how to even be married. Every member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints needs help learning how to access God and live the gospel. Every leader needs help knowing how to lead. This is why we routinely have trainings and conferences. This learning can only happen as we meekly admit that we don't have all the answers.  

            So some of you may be thinking, but what about the whole revelation/answers from heaven piece. And we don't want to miss that vital piece. Well, revelation and answers often come as we COUNSEL with others. Unless we have a conversation about the myriad of things I have experience with, you may not know I have information and resources to share about those things. YOU might have information about a myriad of things I am needing information or guidance on and I won't know that until I start having conversations or seeking that information. And here is the piece on revelation- God will help us know WHO to talk with or WHERE to seek out the information we are looking for. Has this ever happened to you? You are pondering a question and someone comes to mind or you have the thought to listen to a certain podcast or conference talk. Or you have the thought to go to a certain event where there's a certain person who knows exactly what resources you need?

            One of the reasons we have struggles is so we learn how to help others who may go through something similar. And one of the reasons we are given responsibilities- within the church or as a parent or employee or leader- is to learn and grow. We're not supposed to have all the answers.

            I was able to get help and support for my children. I had people helping me muddle through the possibilities until we figured out what was going on. I had actionable steps and tools to use to help them and find my life again! It wasn't all about what they were struggling with anymore. And I wasn't feeling so alone or overwhelmed anymore.

            So my challenge for you today is Find Your Help! Open your mouth and talk about your experience and problem- not with the intent for sympathy or to complain (maybe that's a bonus) but with the intent to figure out who you need to talk to. Search the internet. Search the library. Search podcasts. Youtube. We live in an age of information sharing and someone out there is having an experience like you and has made a breakthrough! Pray to find those people! Search to find those people. And along the road, you just may have the blessing of being that person for someone else. 

If you are already on the other side of some trials, which I think applies to all of us, be open about those as you feel able to do so. I promise as you do, it will bless those around you. You will have deeper and fuller relationships and even if you don’t feel like you have any answers, just talking about the experience can help others not feel so alone. 

Reyna Aburto has said, "when we open up about our emotional challenges, admitting we are not perfect, we give others permission to share their struggles. Together we realize there is hope and we do not have to suffer alone."(1)

1. Reyna I. Aburto. Thru cloud and sunshine, lord, abide with me! The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Retrieved June 14, 2022, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/10/31aburto?lang=eng

3 Things Anyone Can Do To Help People Who Are Struggling

Ever wonder what you can actually do to help someone who is struggling? Here are three effective things you can do right now that will help even more than any skill I can teach you -without any training on your part- but maybe a touch of courage:

1- Share Your Struggles

Admitting YOU struggle literally lifts a weight off both you and those around you. Think about a time someone shared a struggle you’ve been having. How did that feel to hear you weren’t the only one? Even if it’s not the same struggle you’ve been having, isn’t it comforting to know that others struggle too? It invites others to share! It gives people permission to feel how they are feeling. It helps people know we can struggle and we can still be okay! Did I sell you on that yet? We need to share. We do not need “to have it all together” whatever that even means. We’re not supposed to! We are here to struggle. Period. So why do we hide this? Why don’t we give ourselves and others permission to live in and through the struggle?

If you are struggling to show up as the mom you want to be and sometimes “losing it” with your kids, talk about that. If you are struggling to like or enjoy being a mom or dad, talk about it. If you are struggling with enjoying your scripture study, talk about that. If you are struggling with the desire to go to church, share! If you are having a hard time in your marriage, talk about it! If you struggle with anxiety, talk about that. If you struggle with depression or regret, talk about it. If you don’t know how to help a child or a spouse or a friend, talk about it.

What does that look like? In Sunday School you could say “I can really relate to Moses here because I do not know how to help my daughter or my spouse right now and I really need to spend that time with the Lord to feel His support and strength.”

In Testimony Meeting you could say “I’m starting to feel my depression on the rise again and I worry what that is going to mean for me over the next weeks and months but I know that God is good and I have a testimony of his great plan and perfect love.”

When you are out with your friends you could say “I’m not loving reading the scriptures right now, anyone else ever feel this way?” Or “I’m struggling in my marriage right now and I really appreciate our time together to just have a break from all that.”

When you are with your kids you could say “I’ve been having a hard time feeling good lately and feel kind of weighed down and just wanted you to know that and know it’s okay to feel like that and if I ever seem distracted or sad it’s not because of you in any way. YOU are one of the best parts of my life! If you ever feel some of these feelings, we can get through it together because that’s what families are for- we stick together okay?”

Start small and work up to the bigger shares because it IS a little scary. But can I tell you one moment of vulnerability like that will build bridges faster than 50 moments of being strong and “having it all together”- whatever that even means. It’s so important you guys!!

2- LISTEN

Provide that listening ear for people. Ask how people are doing and let them know that you are genuinely wondering and are willing to spend time just to listen. A roadblock to listening is feeling like we need to know what to say or we don’t want to give them any wrong advice but know this! All you have to do is validate them. Validation looks like “that’s a lot! I can understand why you are having a hard time!” or “I’ve never had to go through that and I’m really sorry you have to right now.” or “Given your perspective I can see why it feels that way!” Validation is not agreeing, teaching, correcting or anything more than this- you let them know that you hear them and based on their perspective it makes sense for them to be feeling what they’re feeling. How would it feel to be listened to in this way? Guess what my friends, you can also do this for yourself. We don’t have to constantly be correcting, redirecting, coaching or shaming our feelings. We can simply validate that- given our perspective, it makes sense to feel the way we do. So side-note there–but we also want to be looking out for ourselves!

3- Support

Let them know you’re around. You’re around if they need someone to vent to. You’re around if they would like a different perspective on the matter. You’re around if they want a distraction sometime. You’re around if they want to explore solutions. You can help them find resources if they’d like that. You’re there at any level they let you to be there. Can you do that? This does not mean you are the one solving their problems. This does not mean you take on their problems! They own their problems. You help hold them for a moment and then you give them back. You hold them for a moment and then give them another person or another resource that can help THEM to hold their problems. Or best of all, we encourage them to hand their weight over to the Savior who will trade our burdens for his, which is light and easy to carry.

Doesn’t that sound like the plan of our God? He organizes us into families, wards, stakes, communities and a worldwide Restored Church. We are stronger together and together we can!